We were lucky. We were only contacted by a handful of scammers over the course of two adoption journeys. For some, it's many, many more. Perhaps it was my diligence; perhaps it was my ability to "see through it"; or perhaps it was just luck. I can't really pinpoint why we didn't ever really get "taken," but I can tell you that I've done a LOT of soul searching and a lot of researching since December 2012 when we were taken for the biggest emotional roller coaster ride of our lives. For four days, our world was turned upside down by one of the cruelest con artists around. Known to us as Marie Richards, she was, in actuality, Amy Marie Slanina. Had I had her real name from the get-go, 96-ish hours of Hell would have been skirted. But, had I had her real name from the moment she contacted us with grand promises of a baby girl to adopt, she would've harmed someone else, maybe worse than us. And, most importantly, the link that occurred because of her evil between myself and a worker at the shelter where she was scamming her way through life in far-away Ohio wouldn't have ever been made. And, had that link not been established, we would never have been introduced to our amazing BB2's birthmom (from time to time, you might see me talk about my second son as BB2.. it was something we called him from the moment we knew he was a "him" until his huge-dimpled face was born... mainly because I'm a pain and I refused to tell anyone - except his birthmom - what his name was going to be; so, instead, he became lovingly known as "baby boy 2" or BB2). Back to my point: sometimes it is the hardest, most disturbing crap that we go through to get to the diamonds.. what really matters.. what is beyond incredible. No scam? = No BB2 = No freakin' way.. give me the scam any day! I wouldn't give him back to save my heart that heartache from Slanina. Not a chance. Not one chance in Hell. So, if you encounter a scammer... and if you're self-networking, you probably will... keep your head up. It doesn't mean your journey is done; sometimes it actually is the door that opens to find your ultimate happiness. Does every story have a happy fairytale ending? Well, ask yourself if you're really asking me that.. because, obviously, the answer is NO. An emphatic NO! But, some do, and yours could be that story, too. You never know. What you SHOULD know, though, is how to be prepared and to avoid the heartache as much as possible.
First of all: NOT ALL SCAMMERS WANT MONEY OR THINGS OF VALUE! (Well, unless you consider your heart, your feelings, your time, and your trust something of value and, if so, read on....)
Everyone knows there are scammers out there who want to "get paid." They may be pregnant and willing to place with the highest bidder (I call that baby selling and, p.s., it's illegal!) They may be pregnant and accepting money or other things of value with promises of placing, but they have no intention of placing (yep, you got it - that's illegal too - it's called fraud!) Or, they may NOT be pregnant at all, but claiming they are, and accepting money or things of value (think: rent, utilities, Walmart gift cards, a car, you name it... depending on the state, sometimes there is no "ceiling" to the things that could potentially be requested and that some people might pay....) Obviously, this last one is fraud too. All are punishable by jail or prison time, potentially. And a criminal record, of course. The problem is that not all jurisdictions really care to penalize these scammers. They let them slide... And they do it again. And again. And again. They get better at it. They learn they're virtually untouchable. UNTIL NOW! In this day in age, there's no excuse for not utilizing every technological advantage YOU have too! Read on....
But before you do, understand that there are EMOTIONAL SCAMMERS too! What is that, you say? Well, if you're new to this journey, I am 99.99995% certain you'll think I'm crazy right about now. You can't be emotionally scammed, right? And, why would someone do that if they're not getting anything out of it? Well, I pray that you aren't ever the victim of one of these ruthless con artists.... but the reality of it is: there are probably FAR more emotional scammers out there than there are financial scammers. The reason? I have no scientific or research-backed reason to give you. But I can tell you, from my experience, and my gut reaction: the reason is because they can get away with it 99.9999999999999999% of the time. When I mean get away with it, I mean COMPLETELY get away with it! Not even an arrest. Nothing. No way to track - or find out - through any legal means, what they've done. Why? Because there are virtually NO jurisdictions which criminalize this behavior. Is it fraud? AbsoFREAKINGlutely! No doubt about it! None whatsoever! But, under the law, they aren't taking something of "value" from you because under the law, your heart/time/emotions/trust/sense of wellbeing/integrity, etc..... aren't things of "value." So, no prosecution, no record, and the cycle continues, with them learning each and every time what works and what doesn't and what to do to stay on "that" side of the legal line so as to be essentially untouchable. And, trust me when I tell you: they DO continue this behavior and they DO get better with each victim.
So, to answer your next question: the WHY would they do it? question... I'll liken it to domestic violence. In a "typical" dv situation, why does the abuser abuse? To have POWER & CONTROL over someone who is, to some degree, dependent (even if only emotionally) on them. They know they can get away with it, and the other person, in many situations, will remain. They're in control. They have the power. Well.... it's similar with an emotional scammer. Let's replace the word "scammer" with "abuser." Same thing. It's about POWER & CONTROL. Maybe this girl was made fun of as a child; maybe she was always picked last on the kickball line; maybe she had no friends; maybe she was never told nice things; maybe.... and so, let's assume for the sake of assuming, that she becomes a teenager and then young adult and she gets heavy. But, her weight is almost all in her belly. She almost LOOKS pregnant (but she's not). Someone makes that mistake of assuming she's happily pregnant and smiles at her and says "when are you due?" (don't lie to yourself and say you've never made that mistake in the check out line at a grocery store with a complete stranger!!! haha). In any event, when that person says that to her, maybe she is sad or angry at first, but then she sees the happy expression on the person's face - the only person who has given her positive attention in a long time. So, she starts pretending she's pregnant when it suits her, and she gets tons and tons of attention - in a positive way. Then she stumbles upon something about adoption and sees all the eager, excited waiting couples who want nothing more than to be parents. She tries her luck to see what happens. She contacts one, and they LOVE her. They shower her with attention and ask about her, and her wants and needs, her fears, her dreams, anything and everything hoping to get to know her! For the first time in her life, she's getting all the attention. And she realizes that SHE calls the shots with regard to her "baby" (a/k/a belly of disproportionate fat). She plays little emotional games - makes up drama - stories about the baby kicking, or maybe about a late night ER visit - all to elicit a response... and to be in control. She has the power. As time goes on, she's got to get out because, remember, there is no baby, so there's not gonna be an adoption. And these people who love her so right now, aren't gonna love her so tomorrow... So, she sends a text at 4am saying she started cramping, or bleeding, or feeling funny, and she went to the hospital, and the baby came so quick, she didn't even have a chance to call them, and there was no heartbeat. Nothing could be done to save it. She's so sorry, but can they still be friends? The couple cries tears of loss. Tears they didn't think were possible over a baby they had never held; had never laid eyes on. It was a loss. The baby they had grown to love in their hearts had died. A piece of them died with it. Or, screech the car to a halt and reverse just a little bit: that 4am text comes through and she says, apologetically, how sorry she is but she has decided she wants to keep the baby and will not be placing. Again, sorrow for the adoptive couple... but perhaps a little less of a heartbreak than thinking that baby is dead. Remember: there never was a baby. But, they don't know it. Now, imagine if they start to question her before that 4am text: her belly has stayed the same size and shape for weeks; she has never provided them with any doctor's notes or ultrasounds or anything showing she actually IS pregnant; she keeps changing her appointment times around; she hasn't called their attorney or agency.... They start asking questions, and she knows they're onto her. Eventually, maybe she blurts out the truth, or she more likely shrivels into the background and begins at square one with another unsuspecting family... The result for THIS family though isn't just a "loss" - and it is a loss, because even though there wasn't ever a baby, they THOUGHT there was. They PLANNED for this baby and they fell in love with this baby.. or the thought of it. Maybe they even named the baby. They more than likely shared intimate details of their lives with this woman... someone they thought they'd have a lifelong connection to. They listened to her, and believed her, and fell in love with her. There is a loss. Sometimes doubly over. And, in addition to the loss, there is the ripping from the adoptive couple of TRUST. They believed her and planned their lives around what she had to say.... their trust was broken in the most reprehensible way - by someone whose sole mission was to emotionally deprive them of their life and their dream. The longer it goes on, in theory, the worse the emotional damage. But, in reality, the damage can be lasting from only a brief encounter. Just think about a time where you were betrayed, lied to, hurt, etc. by someone you thought you loved (most of us have had it happen at least once!)... did your heart heal immediately? Were you able to move on immediately? Probably not. It's similar here. Emotional scammers cause scars we can't see. They cause harm that isn't financially or otherwise measurable. They deprive us of not only our dream of being a family, and they deprive us of the ability to immediately and fully put that same trust into the next person who contacts us with a story... What do they get out of it? Power and control.
With all of that said..... there are certain things you can do to protect yourself (or at least to minimize the damage). First and foremost, find groups online to join who have a like-minded interest: avoiding adoption scammers! There are groups on Yahoo, Facebook, and I'm sure many more places. Don't just join one - join several. If you're actively networking, be active on those pages. Check for names, but be aware that some of the "good" ones (like Slanina) use a number of aliases. Slanina had combinations of 10 or more names over the course of her 16 years as an emotional adoption scammer... and Marie Richards (her alias with us) was, to my knowledge, a brand new one (so not one I found in any search I did on her). Just because you can't find a name, and no one knows the name, doesn't mean it's not a scammer (and, conversely, just because you find a name that someone else is asking about, it doesn't absolutely mean that person IS a scammer)... Join, join, join! Step 1 to avoiding the scammers! Be active! Be active! Be active! Step 2! When I say be active, read, keep up to date on the postings, search often, and add names if you have questions or a gut feeling and want to run it by others....
Read all you can about "red flags" to look out for. You'll learn about these in those groups, and if you google the term with adoption or adoption scammers, you'll find a lot more. Some groups have collected nice little lists of things to look out for. But, you'll need to LEARN it and know what it all means to avoid it.
Here's a decent and very brief article on adoption scams (I'll note that they do talk about scams by adoptive couples, agencies, and birthmoms and, certainly, ANY of these can scam... the purpose of this blog and entry, though, is to talk about my knowledge and background... and mine's limited to dealing with what I'll call "birthmom scams"). https://www.adoptioncouncil.org/publications/adoption-advocate-no-36.html
There are a myriad of websites, articles, books, cd's, etc. out there that go over adoption scams. As time goes on, I'll expand upon this post because I think it's a very important one, and probably one that deserves more than one long-winded (yes, longgggggggg winded) blog entry. So, keep reading and follow this blog to see when more are posted!
For now, I'll leave you with this: Here are a FEW (and I mean a FEW) RED FLAGS to watch out for in dealing with a new potential birthmom contact:
*Immediately asking you for money (or other things of monetary value)
*Immediately (as in within hours, sometimes minutes) asks you to match with her
*Asks little to no questions about you and focuses much of the attention on herself
*Won't talk on the phone or Skype - just wants to talk via FB, texts, instant messaging
*No POP (proof of pregnancy) - ultrasounds are NOT enough. They can be easily altered.
*Won't sign a release allowing you to speak to her OB.
*Won't contact your agency or attorney
*Due date changes multiple times, or in a large way (i.e. a month or more)
*Constant drama (equals more attention on her)
*Gender of baby changes (might be an "oops" moment if she can't recall what she said before)
*Avoids talking about birth plan and focuses strictly on the here & now
*Constantly texting or calling and/or has a complete lack of boundaries
*No last name given (for reasons elsewhere, I don't advocate sharing yours upfront or publicly!)
*Dates don't match up (conception, due date, etc.)
*Stories or details of stories change from one talk to another
*It's twins!
There are many more, but these will get you started.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: TRUST YOUR GUT. If it's telling you something isn't right, it probably isn't.
That said, though, keep in mind that if you encounter one, two, three, or more of the red flags, above, their flags, not absolutes. Just because it is a flag, doesn't mean it's not true in your situation. Just use your common sense and don't let your heart lead your head.
One last note, on ultrasounds: if this is the POP you're given: check to make sure it's got all the relevant information on it & isn't cropped out. It should include first and last name, medical clinic name, date of the ultrasound, expected due date & conception date, and various other information about the scan and clinic, etc. If any of that is blurred out, obviously changed (check font, placement, how clear it is, etc.), worry. Also, if the overall quality of the picture is very blurry, question it.... it could be that it's a pic of a pic and had other info altered on it. Google the name of the clinic to see if it lines up with the location where she says she is at. Obviously, make sure the date is correct. Also, if it's an electronic transmission (i.e. she emailed or texted it to you), run a search on Google Images and/or Tin Eye to see if it pulls that picture from anywhere on the web. If it does, you know it's bogus. If it doesn't, it still doesn't mean it's bogus, but at least you still have hope!
That's it for now!!! More to come in a few days. :)
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