Short post today.... but I wanted to share a site I ran across. There are many similar sites; I may share some of them later. But, this one has some really neat adoption-related stuff on it that is worth checking out if you're in the process of adopting, have adopted, or are or have placed a child for adoption. If you're an adoptive parent and considering buying something for a birthparent, please check the laws of your own and her state to make sure that is permissible (there are strict laws in some states about gifts and how they can be given). Enjoy!
http://www.adoptshoppe.com/
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Saturday, January 25, 2014
About Self-Networking
So, here begin my posts about the ins & outs and my not-so-expert advice on successful adoptions. Like I've said in previous posts, we started out our journey in late 2010 with an agency. It was carefully selected because, before becoming an attorney (I don't give advice so don't ask it!!! ;-) ), I was a foster care caseworker for 2 years with this agency and it was wonderful. So, the question of which agency to use to adopt (because, new to adoption, we thought that's what you do to adopt: you choose an agency and you wait to be matched, end of story), was easy. We went with the one I worked for years before. It also happened to be one of the lower-cost ones (still expensive, but lower than some), and they boasted a fairly decent placement rate.
So, there it was. I won't identify the various agencies on here because, quite frankly, the experience of one family may differ dramatically from another; the difference from one worker to the next may be incredible; and one agency location to another may be a huge factor in the "how satisfied is the 'customer' survey"... My advice on picking an agency, if you're going to go with one: check around LOCALLY to see who has used that agency, how long ago, and what their experience was like. Quite frankly, if our first match (6 days after we went in "the book" had miraculously worked out), my views of the agency we ultimately chose on round 1 would probably be very different. Probably, but not necessarily. Likewise, if we had chosen not to start self-networking, and we'd just decided to wait for them to successfully place with us, and we'd waited 3, 4, or 5 years like some of the other couples were doing, my views might be even more jaded then they are now. My point? It's that our experiences and our opinions of agencies vary for a lot of reasons. Ask around. Don't just ask one person who had a bad or a good experience. Ask a lot. Become active on local adoption boards and see if anyone else there will have the "guts" to tell you the truth (sometimes "telling" on your agency is scary - they are NOT above threatening placements and finalizations when you do that - we learned that... and pushed back!)
So, back to the point: we chose our first agency. We'll just call it A1 for simplicity's sake. We paid a flat fee based on our income (unfortunately, it didn't take a whole lot of income to get to the top of that scale.. nonetheless, the top of the scale, I've learned is still a WHOLE lot lower than most agencies are charging their families). The deal was this: if we matched and it didn't work out, our money just kept rolling over until we had a successful placement and adoption. They would handle everything but the legal part of it (finalization). What a deal! We could just sit back and wait..... But if you're reading this, and you're a hopeful adoptive parent, you know that that wait is gruesome. You can't just "sit back and wait" - you drive yourself crazy wondering every moment when "the call" is gonna come. Every time your phone rings, you quickly check the number to see if it's your social worker... or you change your ring tone to a special one just for them! And then when it does ring one day, and they're just calling to check to see when you're making your next payment (or something equally unexciting), your heart instantly plummets from your chest and into your gut, nearly making you throw up last night's overindulged meal... Yep, trust me: if you haven't been there yet, it'll happen. No one goes into the adoption journey without having spent a LOT OF TIME hoping to be a parent and carefully constructing a plan to get there. By the time the mounds (and I mean MOUNDS) of paperwork is completed, the interviews passed, and the water temperature a perfect 101.2 in your home by way of a mercury thermometer sitting like a gun that could take you out at any moment in your social worker's briefcase... you're READY to be a parent! You're ready for "the call."
If you're reading this and you're considering placing your baby, trust me on this: anyone you ultimately choose, if they're "licensed" to adopt has gone through hell and back to become parents. They've had every single personal fact about every moment in their lives explored by strangers; they've had background checks and child abuse checks; they've put their stories out there for the world to see. And, trust me on that one... that's NOT the easiest thing in the world to do. Their wait for "the call" is perhaps as stressful and scary as your scanning through potentially hundreds of websites and profiles looking the "the one" that stands out to you. The "one" who you can see raising your child as their own. It's scary, stressful, exciting, and foreign to all of us on this journey, no matter what side you're on. But know, you're not alone, no matter what your goal in the adoption arena is.
So, if you've read my prior posts, you know that 6 days into being put "in the book" with A1, we were matched through them. Without going into a ton of details or rehashing my earlier telling, that match didn't work out. I was pretty devastated. I had dreams of the perfect adoption story, with zero hiccups. It's probably good it didn't work out just simply based on THAT. Adoption isn't perfect, so it was good to find that out. Hopefully, what I've learned is helping SOMEONE. And there's the obvious part too... that if that failed match, or the failed placement that came through the agency just 2 1/2 months later had worked out, our son's birthmom might still have contacted us on June 22, 2011, but we would have said "no." And, that thought brings tears to my eyes. I'm sure I COULD have loved either of those little girls just as much... but I don't want to. I want to love my little boy, because he is truly the one we were always meant to know. And his birth family is our family, too. I can't imagine my life without any of them. At ALL! So, while the pain of those two hiccups was real, and raw, and I wasn't sure how to get over it.... it was all worth it in the end when our self-networking brought us to OUR child. I'll say the same thing for the second time around. Although the path was pretty different, and our second son's birthmom came to us as the result of word-of-mouth after we fell "victim" to an emotional scammer for a few days following Chance's first birthday.... had that horrible piece of garbage (more on her later) NOT contacted us and got our hopes up for a baby that didn't exist, well, then, we wouldn't have met Rhys' birthmom, and we wouldn't have him as our son, and he was MEANT to be our son, and we were meant to have a journey to him. My point is two-fold: if you're on this journey to adopt, and you have a "hiccup" (a failed match, placement, a revocation, or even just what feels like a never-ending wait with no prospects in line).... you have to hold onto whatever brought you here in the first place; if you have faith, believe in it; if you believe in karma, rely upon it; just know that when the child MEANT to be yours comes along, it will all make sense. I know if you're waiting, those words are not the ones you want to hear (I thought the same thing). But, I PROMISE you I'm right. Just wait... Secondarily, you have the power to accelerate your journey and to make it YOURS. You have the ability with a little research, a lot of work, and a little hope, to make a match on your own. Agencies or attorneys are nice in that they help "vet" potential matches to make sure you're matching with someone who meets your "criteria" (drugs/alcohol, race, medical issues being the big 3 that come up).
When you self-network, YOU have to be the one to tackle those subjects, and it can be tough. It's emotional, and you don't want to upset or offend a potential birthmom. At the same time, you HAVE to broach those subjects if they matter to you. You shouldn't compromise and take just "any" match because you're "desperate" to become a parent. Stick to your agreement when you first started the journey: If you want to adopt ONLY specific races, don't change that just to be matched (unless you truly decide during your journey that your heart is REALLY open to more for the RIGHT reasons - that being - not trying to be matched faster). These are sensitive topics, but if you want to try to self-network, you can't be afraid to tackle them. Likewise, if you're pregnant and considering placing your child, YOU need to be comfortable enough to discuss these things too. Let's say you're Caucasian and the birth father is African American. Let's also say that you have a history of Bipolar and birthdad has a history of Substance Abuse Addiction(s). Do you keep that a secret? NO! Because you want to find the absolute BEST family for your child. If you keep those things a secret, you may not be truly finding a family who is completely open to those issues (and there are families out there - I PROMISE - who are open to all types of situations!!!) So, it's hard, but make it a 2-way street of communication. Be open. Ask questions of both sides. Be honest.
When I say "self-network" what do I mean? Well, the internet has created the most amazing abilities in the world of adoption that weren't previously available to waiting couples and/or potential birth parents seeking matches. But, the internet is also a very scary place. There are scammers out there (I'll do a blog or two on them, too... just be aware for now, they're out there. Not all are seeking money; some do it purely for the sick emotional satisfaction of hurting you inside.) You HAVE to learn how to spot the scammers and avoid them. That's going to take some research, joining scam boards, and just getting a feel for it. Some are pretty bad at it, so they'll give you the practice you need. There are others, unfortunately, who thrive on it and they can make your world turn upside down in a matter of hours if you let your heart lead the way. It sounds harsh, but you've got to treat self-networking like a business venture. Your HEAD must always lead the way using logic. Your heart will hurt you because it doesn't know any better and it longs to believe everything and everyone and, most of all, it longs for that baby you've long since wanted to parent...
I decided after failed match #1 with A1 to start self-networking; to take our journey and make it our own. To not wait until A1 found us a match. After the failed placement with them a few months later, I stepped it up even more. We were successfully matched 3 weeks later with our oldest son's birthmom. Below is a snippet of what we found worked, both that time and with journey #2, which we matched successfully with our second son's birthmom after roughly 2 1/2 months of self-networking (that time we didn't engage the services of an agency until we were matched & ready to go!) I was VERY happy with A2 (our second agency). If you're local, ask me about them, because I would suggest them to anyone considering adoption (the caveat being that you've got to do some sort of self-networking with them because they don't do a lot of "in house" matches). They're great though. The agency we used in Ohio for our son's birthmom & surrenders, etc? TERRIBLE!!! They ripped us off and treated her like garbage. I have zero good to say about them. If you're in the Columbus, OH area & want to know who to avoid, let me know...
Back to what we did. Here goes: I made a website (www.YourAdoptionOption.com) using weebly.com to create it - it costs less than $100 per year to have "weebly pro" (which allows more options in terms of formatting, adding videos, sound, pictures, etc.), to "buy" the domain name (so it didn't have /weebly.com at the end), and to have our names & personal info (attached to any website by federal law) non-searcheable (so someone can’t go to a reverse domain lookup site & get our name & address, which they could do if you don’t block this). Seriously - there are nutty people out there. Pay the money to block your name and address from being found! Also, don't use your names or, especially your last names, in your website name. Again, there are nutty people out there! You don't want be able to be tracked down by the information you give. You want to be honest, and give a lot about yourselves, but use non-identifying info when possible!
Our website was the key to both of our adoptions. We used everything else to funnel visitors to that site. The website is full of photos and video, and narratives about us. (go to the top & click on profile to go see it yourself- it's not really updated now since we're not trying to adopt, but I keep it active to help others see what worked for us).
1st adoption: we networked through the internet. I googled school administrators, counselors, teachers, etc. - anyone I thought might have a tie to someone who might be pregnant & considering adoption.. in targeted areas (what I mean by that is areas that would demographically be more prone to having potential situations that were within what we were looking for). I put a blurb in the email about our desire to adopt, attached a copy of our "Dear Birthmom" letter (it's on our site too) & a simple pic of the two of us, and gave them the website address & asked them to consider sharing it if they ever encountered a situation.... In those, I did specify what we were looking for (race, newborn, preferably healthy, etc.) - I figured those were "professionals" who wouldn't hopefully be offended by seeing those things and might do a little of the "vetting" process for us that way (they weren't meant to be racial or picky... just what we were looking for and had decided upon early on; like I said earlier - stick with those choices!!!) We had to be much more careful when dealing directly with potential birthparents - obviously, like I said above, these are sensitive subjects. You don't want to offend, because that's not what your purpose is. But, you've got to know certain things if they're important to you. It's a fine line between being offensive and being open/protecting both sides. The last thing you want to do is offend someone in such a vulnerable position!!!).
We also had pass along cards printed & put them up on bulletin boards in grocery stores, gas stations by bathrooms, etc..... figured it couldn't hurt - they funneled to the website as well. I was traveling a lot for work at the time, so they went all over the country with that. Honestly, we never had any contacts from our pass along cards. I don't know anyone who has, but everyone seems to do them.
We also googled places (crisis pregnancy centers, unwed mother's homes, agencies, schools, etc.) and filled out several hundred envelopes to send a picture of ourselves and our letter and a few cards, but we never got around to sending them before our first successful match (I tell you this, though, because we had a friend locally who did it - about 1000 letters - and were matched within a couple of months this way with a baby in Chicago - about 5 hrs away and in the same state as her; about 2 months after her son was born, she matched AGAIN this way again in the same state, and she now has 2 babies born 9 1/2 months apart).
As far as online networking, we targeted our audience: on FB, pregnancy sites, teen pregnancy, adoption, pregnancy options, etc. Be careful this way: scammers are catching on on these sites, too, as are certain "anti adoption" folks. If you see such posts, you're best to just altogether ignore that site and move on. You don't want to engage the anti's. It's not worth it; you won't change their minds, and vice versa. I would post a blurb like "Hello, we are a happily married couple hoping to be blessed by adoption. If you or someone you know is considering this gift, please visit our website to learn about us..." with our website address. Usually they were well received. However, like I said above, you have to check the page before posting something to make sure it's not an "anti" adoption site and/or not filled with negative adoption stuff....
Ultimately, one of the admins of one of the sites (a "16 & Pregnant" fan page for one of the teens who placed her child for adoption) identified with our story (she had been adopted as a child and her adopted mom had had cancer, causing her inability to have children – basically my situation. Her mom had recently passed away, and she felt connected with us - I'll add that we're still very close with her, and she is the sweetest young girl ever!). She reposted our link under the page's name. We got 1000's of hits immediately. A few weeks later, she did it again and that is when Chance's birthmom saw it. So, connecting with admins is helpful when it can be done! Our connection was by happenstance, but it was critical in the end.
Back on track: we learned the first time around that using Craigslist is NOT helpful! There are a LOT of anti-adoption folks on there, and just as many scammers. (note: the Adoption Forum on Craigslist is NOT PRO adoption - steer clear - it's VERY anti-adoption and you will NOT find a match there!) We did have several scammers contact us via our FaceBook networking (note: we did NOT keep an "active" FB account... instead, we created a FB page that was entirely public, but had ONLY one small photo album of us & a link to our actual website. We did NOT post on the FB page, we disallowed comments on it, etc. We wanted it to be ONE PAGE without the need to scroll... the point was to use it only to get people to the REAL webpage. I stand by that philosophy today.
Once we were matched, and sure of our match, we opened up our FB page based on our birthmom asking us to. It's now just a page where everyone basically follows our journey. (I created a new one for adoption #2).
We learned how to "vet" potential birthmoms on journey #1. What to ask, what to look for, etc. I learned EVERYTHING I could about scamming, emotional scamming, anti-adoption movements, etc. I took a "business" approach to it & while my heart wanted it more than anything, I let my head lead with everything I did. NEVER give anything to them when they contact you (especially money). Learn to spot scammers early on so you don't waste time, energy, or your heart on them. Join private adoption fraud/scam pages (on FaceBook and Yahoo). If a bunch of people are asking about a similar situation, fair to say it's likely a scam.
Adoption #2 - we were trying to do it even cheaper, and hoped to find someone in state (to avoid ICPC expenses and forced time out of state). Also, with a baby at home, I had far less time to be on the internet networking (I spent HOURS every other day doing this on the first time). So, this time around, I had bracelets made (the promotion type rubber bracelets - that said "Adoption is a loving option" and had our website on them. I also had shirts made that said something about adoption & had our website on them. We would all wear the shirts & go to 5k races (at first - targeted ones, like "Birth Right" or other things that were baby or pro-life centered). We would put stacks of the bracelets and our pass along cards on the give-away tables. There were always people who would come up & ask us about adoption or our journey. We would then go to lunch or dinner in the shirts & same thing. I did the same type of internet posting as the first time around, but to a lesser extent.
Ultimately, we were contacted through FB by a scammer right after Thanksgiving (she was GOOD at it - VERY good - it took me 4 days of intense investigation to reveal that she had been doing this for 10+ years, had been on Dateline for it, etc. I provided all the info I had on her to her parole officer & police & she was tracked down a couple days later (and it was confirmed she was who I had identified her to be – see www.ToCatchAnAdoptionScammer.com for the story - I don't have the page active right now, but will reinstate it soon). Long & short of it: she is in prison now.... in the meantime, though, when I found out she was arrested, I called the shelter where she had been staying under false pretenses & talked to the worker who answered about what had happened there and here. That was that. About 3 weeks later, I got another call that would change our lives forever: the worker's daughter's lifelong best friend was pregnant & had been shown our website and she wanted to talk to us about placing with us (that is our second son's birthmom).
There was another confirmed (but bad) scammer in between those 2, and a couple others who tried, but I blew them off quickly because they were pretty bad at it, and obvious from the get-go. I used the same approach as the first time (it’s business; protect the heart!!!)
*I will say, though about the "business" approach: when you do finally match with a legit birthmom, you're heart WILL lead the way, because there's no other option. If you're like me, you will fall in love, not only with that baby, but with the mother carrying it, and perhaps her friends and family, too... We've been really blessed in that regard. We've got two amazing kids, and two equally amazing birth families (with extended friends from that too, including the worker & her daughter!)
Also, before the Thanksgiving scammer came along... I was contacted by a high school friend of mine whose niece was 9 weeks pregnant and wanting to place. I talked to her later that day, and she wanted us to match with her. However, after seriously considering it and talking it over for nearly a week, for some personal reasons, we decided not to match with her, but offered to help her find a match who would be perfect for her. She ultimately decided she wanted a family who had one black parent, and one white one, and I knew no one who fit that bill, so I asked in a small group I'm a part of if anyone knew someone who fit it, and I was given one couple's info. I talked to that adoptive mom a bit, and then I presented their info to this birthmom, and she fell in love with them and asked them to adopt her daughter. They ended up being there for their daughter's birth just 9 days before our second son was born. So, that one was a "word of mouth" type match...and also one that goes to show how you, as an adoptive parent, can potentially help another adoptive parent (and vice versa), and how being part of adoption groups is helpful for many, many reasons. Ultimately, our second adoption was a "word of mouth" that came about via internet networking & a scam. BUT, our website was KEY to all 3 of these successes.
ALSO...this may seem apparent, but I've seen it A LOT, especially recently. You HAVE to separate yourself from the other adoptive parents who are looking. There are a lot of listservs & FaceBook pages with adoption attorneys and facilitators who post about and disseminate information on the same situations regularly, and many people follow those same listservs/etc., and apply for them. The more independent you make your journey, the more likely you are to be successful. If you travel “in the pack,” you are just part of a pack, and you most likely won’t stand out and have tons of people vying for the same baby. It’s best to get your information out there and have birthmoms contact YOU, rather than vice versa (first, because it’s less “coercive,” and second, because if they’re contacting you, they are already interested in YOU, and MOST birthmoms (at least the “real” ones) don’t contact multiple families.) Obviously, if you find one that you're not comfortable proceeding with for whatever reason, you might be able to help match her with someone else you know "in the adoption circuit."
Again! I'll repeat myself over and over on this one: make sure you’re comfortable tackling the uncomfortable subjects if you’re going to self-network: race, disabilities, medical history (of birth parents – i.e. schizophrenia, bipolar, etc.), drug/alcohol/tobacco use, openness. These are all areas that HAVE to be addressed if you are networking on your own, and sometimes it can be uncomfortable, particularly if there are areas you are not open to (certain races, drug use, etc.). Like I've said twice over above, do NOT compromise what you have agreed to in terms of an “ideal” situation. You will find the “right” one for you. As I said above, we had one that was an almost certain placement, very similar to our first, in our state, etc., but we passed for certain personal reasons. We ended up matching a month later and our children were born 9 days apart. ☺ And, our child is the perfect one for our family and that child was the perfect child for the family that birthmom ultimately chose.
If you’re not willing to talk about these things, you should hire an agency or attorney to help “vet” birthmoms. Also, if you are “blind” to the scammers, you’ll get taken. You HAVE to educate yourself & move forward with caution, even on situations that seem legitimate.
Never send money or gifts (even in “real” situations –check your state & their state’s laws on this). If they are too “clingy” too fast, beware.. If they ask you to match immediately, beware. Learn the red flags (not all red flags mean it’s a scam – example: our first son’s birthmom said her speaker was broken on her phone, so she didn’t want to talk on the phone & only wanted to text and communicate via FB. This might in some circumstances be a red flag… BUT, in OUR situation, it was legit: her son had slobbered on the speaker, making it unusable (and his brother, MY son, did the same dang thing to MY phone about 8 months ago!!! It must be in the genes! haha).
My point is that just because there are one or two red flags, it doesn’t mean it’s BS. Just use caution and don't throw common sense to the wind. Require proof of pregnancy (NOT an ultrasound – those can be altered). Get a release and get it from the doctor. Try to meet in person. Go to a doctor's appointment with her (not only for proof of pregnancy but because this is an EXCELLENT opportunity to bond with her and get to see or hear your potential little person, and also one of the things within your control to offer to her as a support!) Get her into an agency/worker/counselor if she wants or needs someone neutral to talk to.
Those are the basics, for now. More to come later, of course :)
So, there it was. I won't identify the various agencies on here because, quite frankly, the experience of one family may differ dramatically from another; the difference from one worker to the next may be incredible; and one agency location to another may be a huge factor in the "how satisfied is the 'customer' survey"... My advice on picking an agency, if you're going to go with one: check around LOCALLY to see who has used that agency, how long ago, and what their experience was like. Quite frankly, if our first match (6 days after we went in "the book" had miraculously worked out), my views of the agency we ultimately chose on round 1 would probably be very different. Probably, but not necessarily. Likewise, if we had chosen not to start self-networking, and we'd just decided to wait for them to successfully place with us, and we'd waited 3, 4, or 5 years like some of the other couples were doing, my views might be even more jaded then they are now. My point? It's that our experiences and our opinions of agencies vary for a lot of reasons. Ask around. Don't just ask one person who had a bad or a good experience. Ask a lot. Become active on local adoption boards and see if anyone else there will have the "guts" to tell you the truth (sometimes "telling" on your agency is scary - they are NOT above threatening placements and finalizations when you do that - we learned that... and pushed back!)
So, back to the point: we chose our first agency. We'll just call it A1 for simplicity's sake. We paid a flat fee based on our income (unfortunately, it didn't take a whole lot of income to get to the top of that scale.. nonetheless, the top of the scale, I've learned is still a WHOLE lot lower than most agencies are charging their families). The deal was this: if we matched and it didn't work out, our money just kept rolling over until we had a successful placement and adoption. They would handle everything but the legal part of it (finalization). What a deal! We could just sit back and wait..... But if you're reading this, and you're a hopeful adoptive parent, you know that that wait is gruesome. You can't just "sit back and wait" - you drive yourself crazy wondering every moment when "the call" is gonna come. Every time your phone rings, you quickly check the number to see if it's your social worker... or you change your ring tone to a special one just for them! And then when it does ring one day, and they're just calling to check to see when you're making your next payment (or something equally unexciting), your heart instantly plummets from your chest and into your gut, nearly making you throw up last night's overindulged meal... Yep, trust me: if you haven't been there yet, it'll happen. No one goes into the adoption journey without having spent a LOT OF TIME hoping to be a parent and carefully constructing a plan to get there. By the time the mounds (and I mean MOUNDS) of paperwork is completed, the interviews passed, and the water temperature a perfect 101.2 in your home by way of a mercury thermometer sitting like a gun that could take you out at any moment in your social worker's briefcase... you're READY to be a parent! You're ready for "the call."
If you're reading this and you're considering placing your baby, trust me on this: anyone you ultimately choose, if they're "licensed" to adopt has gone through hell and back to become parents. They've had every single personal fact about every moment in their lives explored by strangers; they've had background checks and child abuse checks; they've put their stories out there for the world to see. And, trust me on that one... that's NOT the easiest thing in the world to do. Their wait for "the call" is perhaps as stressful and scary as your scanning through potentially hundreds of websites and profiles looking the "the one" that stands out to you. The "one" who you can see raising your child as their own. It's scary, stressful, exciting, and foreign to all of us on this journey, no matter what side you're on. But know, you're not alone, no matter what your goal in the adoption arena is.
So, if you've read my prior posts, you know that 6 days into being put "in the book" with A1, we were matched through them. Without going into a ton of details or rehashing my earlier telling, that match didn't work out. I was pretty devastated. I had dreams of the perfect adoption story, with zero hiccups. It's probably good it didn't work out just simply based on THAT. Adoption isn't perfect, so it was good to find that out. Hopefully, what I've learned is helping SOMEONE. And there's the obvious part too... that if that failed match, or the failed placement that came through the agency just 2 1/2 months later had worked out, our son's birthmom might still have contacted us on June 22, 2011, but we would have said "no." And, that thought brings tears to my eyes. I'm sure I COULD have loved either of those little girls just as much... but I don't want to. I want to love my little boy, because he is truly the one we were always meant to know. And his birth family is our family, too. I can't imagine my life without any of them. At ALL! So, while the pain of those two hiccups was real, and raw, and I wasn't sure how to get over it.... it was all worth it in the end when our self-networking brought us to OUR child. I'll say the same thing for the second time around. Although the path was pretty different, and our second son's birthmom came to us as the result of word-of-mouth after we fell "victim" to an emotional scammer for a few days following Chance's first birthday.... had that horrible piece of garbage (more on her later) NOT contacted us and got our hopes up for a baby that didn't exist, well, then, we wouldn't have met Rhys' birthmom, and we wouldn't have him as our son, and he was MEANT to be our son, and we were meant to have a journey to him. My point is two-fold: if you're on this journey to adopt, and you have a "hiccup" (a failed match, placement, a revocation, or even just what feels like a never-ending wait with no prospects in line).... you have to hold onto whatever brought you here in the first place; if you have faith, believe in it; if you believe in karma, rely upon it; just know that when the child MEANT to be yours comes along, it will all make sense. I know if you're waiting, those words are not the ones you want to hear (I thought the same thing). But, I PROMISE you I'm right. Just wait... Secondarily, you have the power to accelerate your journey and to make it YOURS. You have the ability with a little research, a lot of work, and a little hope, to make a match on your own. Agencies or attorneys are nice in that they help "vet" potential matches to make sure you're matching with someone who meets your "criteria" (drugs/alcohol, race, medical issues being the big 3 that come up).
When you self-network, YOU have to be the one to tackle those subjects, and it can be tough. It's emotional, and you don't want to upset or offend a potential birthmom. At the same time, you HAVE to broach those subjects if they matter to you. You shouldn't compromise and take just "any" match because you're "desperate" to become a parent. Stick to your agreement when you first started the journey: If you want to adopt ONLY specific races, don't change that just to be matched (unless you truly decide during your journey that your heart is REALLY open to more for the RIGHT reasons - that being - not trying to be matched faster). These are sensitive topics, but if you want to try to self-network, you can't be afraid to tackle them. Likewise, if you're pregnant and considering placing your child, YOU need to be comfortable enough to discuss these things too. Let's say you're Caucasian and the birth father is African American. Let's also say that you have a history of Bipolar and birthdad has a history of Substance Abuse Addiction(s). Do you keep that a secret? NO! Because you want to find the absolute BEST family for your child. If you keep those things a secret, you may not be truly finding a family who is completely open to those issues (and there are families out there - I PROMISE - who are open to all types of situations!!!) So, it's hard, but make it a 2-way street of communication. Be open. Ask questions of both sides. Be honest.
When I say "self-network" what do I mean? Well, the internet has created the most amazing abilities in the world of adoption that weren't previously available to waiting couples and/or potential birth parents seeking matches. But, the internet is also a very scary place. There are scammers out there (I'll do a blog or two on them, too... just be aware for now, they're out there. Not all are seeking money; some do it purely for the sick emotional satisfaction of hurting you inside.) You HAVE to learn how to spot the scammers and avoid them. That's going to take some research, joining scam boards, and just getting a feel for it. Some are pretty bad at it, so they'll give you the practice you need. There are others, unfortunately, who thrive on it and they can make your world turn upside down in a matter of hours if you let your heart lead the way. It sounds harsh, but you've got to treat self-networking like a business venture. Your HEAD must always lead the way using logic. Your heart will hurt you because it doesn't know any better and it longs to believe everything and everyone and, most of all, it longs for that baby you've long since wanted to parent...
I decided after failed match #1 with A1 to start self-networking; to take our journey and make it our own. To not wait until A1 found us a match. After the failed placement with them a few months later, I stepped it up even more. We were successfully matched 3 weeks later with our oldest son's birthmom. Below is a snippet of what we found worked, both that time and with journey #2, which we matched successfully with our second son's birthmom after roughly 2 1/2 months of self-networking (that time we didn't engage the services of an agency until we were matched & ready to go!) I was VERY happy with A2 (our second agency). If you're local, ask me about them, because I would suggest them to anyone considering adoption (the caveat being that you've got to do some sort of self-networking with them because they don't do a lot of "in house" matches). They're great though. The agency we used in Ohio for our son's birthmom & surrenders, etc? TERRIBLE!!! They ripped us off and treated her like garbage. I have zero good to say about them. If you're in the Columbus, OH area & want to know who to avoid, let me know...
Back to what we did. Here goes: I made a website (www.YourAdoptionOption.com) using weebly.com to create it - it costs less than $100 per year to have "weebly pro" (which allows more options in terms of formatting, adding videos, sound, pictures, etc.), to "buy" the domain name (so it didn't have /weebly.com at the end), and to have our names & personal info (attached to any website by federal law) non-searcheable (so someone can’t go to a reverse domain lookup site & get our name & address, which they could do if you don’t block this). Seriously - there are nutty people out there. Pay the money to block your name and address from being found! Also, don't use your names or, especially your last names, in your website name. Again, there are nutty people out there! You don't want be able to be tracked down by the information you give. You want to be honest, and give a lot about yourselves, but use non-identifying info when possible!
Our website was the key to both of our adoptions. We used everything else to funnel visitors to that site. The website is full of photos and video, and narratives about us. (go to the top & click on profile to go see it yourself- it's not really updated now since we're not trying to adopt, but I keep it active to help others see what worked for us).
1st adoption: we networked through the internet. I googled school administrators, counselors, teachers, etc. - anyone I thought might have a tie to someone who might be pregnant & considering adoption.. in targeted areas (what I mean by that is areas that would demographically be more prone to having potential situations that were within what we were looking for). I put a blurb in the email about our desire to adopt, attached a copy of our "Dear Birthmom" letter (it's on our site too) & a simple pic of the two of us, and gave them the website address & asked them to consider sharing it if they ever encountered a situation.... In those, I did specify what we were looking for (race, newborn, preferably healthy, etc.) - I figured those were "professionals" who wouldn't hopefully be offended by seeing those things and might do a little of the "vetting" process for us that way (they weren't meant to be racial or picky... just what we were looking for and had decided upon early on; like I said earlier - stick with those choices!!!) We had to be much more careful when dealing directly with potential birthparents - obviously, like I said above, these are sensitive subjects. You don't want to offend, because that's not what your purpose is. But, you've got to know certain things if they're important to you. It's a fine line between being offensive and being open/protecting both sides. The last thing you want to do is offend someone in such a vulnerable position!!!).
We also had pass along cards printed & put them up on bulletin boards in grocery stores, gas stations by bathrooms, etc..... figured it couldn't hurt - they funneled to the website as well. I was traveling a lot for work at the time, so they went all over the country with that. Honestly, we never had any contacts from our pass along cards. I don't know anyone who has, but everyone seems to do them.
We also googled places (crisis pregnancy centers, unwed mother's homes, agencies, schools, etc.) and filled out several hundred envelopes to send a picture of ourselves and our letter and a few cards, but we never got around to sending them before our first successful match (I tell you this, though, because we had a friend locally who did it - about 1000 letters - and were matched within a couple of months this way with a baby in Chicago - about 5 hrs away and in the same state as her; about 2 months after her son was born, she matched AGAIN this way again in the same state, and she now has 2 babies born 9 1/2 months apart).
As far as online networking, we targeted our audience: on FB, pregnancy sites, teen pregnancy, adoption, pregnancy options, etc. Be careful this way: scammers are catching on on these sites, too, as are certain "anti adoption" folks. If you see such posts, you're best to just altogether ignore that site and move on. You don't want to engage the anti's. It's not worth it; you won't change their minds, and vice versa. I would post a blurb like "Hello, we are a happily married couple hoping to be blessed by adoption. If you or someone you know is considering this gift, please visit our website to learn about us..." with our website address. Usually they were well received. However, like I said above, you have to check the page before posting something to make sure it's not an "anti" adoption site and/or not filled with negative adoption stuff....
Ultimately, one of the admins of one of the sites (a "16 & Pregnant" fan page for one of the teens who placed her child for adoption) identified with our story (she had been adopted as a child and her adopted mom had had cancer, causing her inability to have children – basically my situation. Her mom had recently passed away, and she felt connected with us - I'll add that we're still very close with her, and she is the sweetest young girl ever!). She reposted our link under the page's name. We got 1000's of hits immediately. A few weeks later, she did it again and that is when Chance's birthmom saw it. So, connecting with admins is helpful when it can be done! Our connection was by happenstance, but it was critical in the end.
Back on track: we learned the first time around that using Craigslist is NOT helpful! There are a LOT of anti-adoption folks on there, and just as many scammers. (note: the Adoption Forum on Craigslist is NOT PRO adoption - steer clear - it's VERY anti-adoption and you will NOT find a match there!) We did have several scammers contact us via our FaceBook networking (note: we did NOT keep an "active" FB account... instead, we created a FB page that was entirely public, but had ONLY one small photo album of us & a link to our actual website. We did NOT post on the FB page, we disallowed comments on it, etc. We wanted it to be ONE PAGE without the need to scroll... the point was to use it only to get people to the REAL webpage. I stand by that philosophy today.
Once we were matched, and sure of our match, we opened up our FB page based on our birthmom asking us to. It's now just a page where everyone basically follows our journey. (I created a new one for adoption #2).
We learned how to "vet" potential birthmoms on journey #1. What to ask, what to look for, etc. I learned EVERYTHING I could about scamming, emotional scamming, anti-adoption movements, etc. I took a "business" approach to it & while my heart wanted it more than anything, I let my head lead with everything I did. NEVER give anything to them when they contact you (especially money). Learn to spot scammers early on so you don't waste time, energy, or your heart on them. Join private adoption fraud/scam pages (on FaceBook and Yahoo). If a bunch of people are asking about a similar situation, fair to say it's likely a scam.
Adoption #2 - we were trying to do it even cheaper, and hoped to find someone in state (to avoid ICPC expenses and forced time out of state). Also, with a baby at home, I had far less time to be on the internet networking (I spent HOURS every other day doing this on the first time). So, this time around, I had bracelets made (the promotion type rubber bracelets - that said "Adoption is a loving option" and had our website on them. I also had shirts made that said something about adoption & had our website on them. We would all wear the shirts & go to 5k races (at first - targeted ones, like "Birth Right" or other things that were baby or pro-life centered). We would put stacks of the bracelets and our pass along cards on the give-away tables. There were always people who would come up & ask us about adoption or our journey. We would then go to lunch or dinner in the shirts & same thing. I did the same type of internet posting as the first time around, but to a lesser extent.
Ultimately, we were contacted through FB by a scammer right after Thanksgiving (she was GOOD at it - VERY good - it took me 4 days of intense investigation to reveal that she had been doing this for 10+ years, had been on Dateline for it, etc. I provided all the info I had on her to her parole officer & police & she was tracked down a couple days later (and it was confirmed she was who I had identified her to be – see www.ToCatchAnAdoptionScammer.com for the story - I don't have the page active right now, but will reinstate it soon). Long & short of it: she is in prison now.... in the meantime, though, when I found out she was arrested, I called the shelter where she had been staying under false pretenses & talked to the worker who answered about what had happened there and here. That was that. About 3 weeks later, I got another call that would change our lives forever: the worker's daughter's lifelong best friend was pregnant & had been shown our website and she wanted to talk to us about placing with us (that is our second son's birthmom).
There was another confirmed (but bad) scammer in between those 2, and a couple others who tried, but I blew them off quickly because they were pretty bad at it, and obvious from the get-go. I used the same approach as the first time (it’s business; protect the heart!!!)
*I will say, though about the "business" approach: when you do finally match with a legit birthmom, you're heart WILL lead the way, because there's no other option. If you're like me, you will fall in love, not only with that baby, but with the mother carrying it, and perhaps her friends and family, too... We've been really blessed in that regard. We've got two amazing kids, and two equally amazing birth families (with extended friends from that too, including the worker & her daughter!)
Also, before the Thanksgiving scammer came along... I was contacted by a high school friend of mine whose niece was 9 weeks pregnant and wanting to place. I talked to her later that day, and she wanted us to match with her. However, after seriously considering it and talking it over for nearly a week, for some personal reasons, we decided not to match with her, but offered to help her find a match who would be perfect for her. She ultimately decided she wanted a family who had one black parent, and one white one, and I knew no one who fit that bill, so I asked in a small group I'm a part of if anyone knew someone who fit it, and I was given one couple's info. I talked to that adoptive mom a bit, and then I presented their info to this birthmom, and she fell in love with them and asked them to adopt her daughter. They ended up being there for their daughter's birth just 9 days before our second son was born. So, that one was a "word of mouth" type match...and also one that goes to show how you, as an adoptive parent, can potentially help another adoptive parent (and vice versa), and how being part of adoption groups is helpful for many, many reasons. Ultimately, our second adoption was a "word of mouth" that came about via internet networking & a scam. BUT, our website was KEY to all 3 of these successes.
ALSO...this may seem apparent, but I've seen it A LOT, especially recently. You HAVE to separate yourself from the other adoptive parents who are looking. There are a lot of listservs & FaceBook pages with adoption attorneys and facilitators who post about and disseminate information on the same situations regularly, and many people follow those same listservs/etc., and apply for them. The more independent you make your journey, the more likely you are to be successful. If you travel “in the pack,” you are just part of a pack, and you most likely won’t stand out and have tons of people vying for the same baby. It’s best to get your information out there and have birthmoms contact YOU, rather than vice versa (first, because it’s less “coercive,” and second, because if they’re contacting you, they are already interested in YOU, and MOST birthmoms (at least the “real” ones) don’t contact multiple families.) Obviously, if you find one that you're not comfortable proceeding with for whatever reason, you might be able to help match her with someone else you know "in the adoption circuit."
Again! I'll repeat myself over and over on this one: make sure you’re comfortable tackling the uncomfortable subjects if you’re going to self-network: race, disabilities, medical history (of birth parents – i.e. schizophrenia, bipolar, etc.), drug/alcohol/tobacco use, openness. These are all areas that HAVE to be addressed if you are networking on your own, and sometimes it can be uncomfortable, particularly if there are areas you are not open to (certain races, drug use, etc.). Like I've said twice over above, do NOT compromise what you have agreed to in terms of an “ideal” situation. You will find the “right” one for you. As I said above, we had one that was an almost certain placement, very similar to our first, in our state, etc., but we passed for certain personal reasons. We ended up matching a month later and our children were born 9 days apart. ☺ And, our child is the perfect one for our family and that child was the perfect child for the family that birthmom ultimately chose.
If you’re not willing to talk about these things, you should hire an agency or attorney to help “vet” birthmoms. Also, if you are “blind” to the scammers, you’ll get taken. You HAVE to educate yourself & move forward with caution, even on situations that seem legitimate.
Never send money or gifts (even in “real” situations –check your state & their state’s laws on this). If they are too “clingy” too fast, beware.. If they ask you to match immediately, beware. Learn the red flags (not all red flags mean it’s a scam – example: our first son’s birthmom said her speaker was broken on her phone, so she didn’t want to talk on the phone & only wanted to text and communicate via FB. This might in some circumstances be a red flag… BUT, in OUR situation, it was legit: her son had slobbered on the speaker, making it unusable (and his brother, MY son, did the same dang thing to MY phone about 8 months ago!!! It must be in the genes! haha).
My point is that just because there are one or two red flags, it doesn’t mean it’s BS. Just use caution and don't throw common sense to the wind. Require proof of pregnancy (NOT an ultrasound – those can be altered). Get a release and get it from the doctor. Try to meet in person. Go to a doctor's appointment with her (not only for proof of pregnancy but because this is an EXCELLENT opportunity to bond with her and get to see or hear your potential little person, and also one of the things within your control to offer to her as a support!) Get her into an agency/worker/counselor if she wants or needs someone neutral to talk to.
Those are the basics, for now. More to come later, of course :)
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
To Adopt or Not to Adopt. That was the question....
My earliest memories as a girl included having baby dolls to love and care on. My favorite was my very first Cabbage Patch, but even before that, my grandma gave me one of the ugliest little handmade creatures I had ever seen (or so I thought at the time)... I didn't think about it as an 8 or 9 year old, but maybe she was making a statement: showing me that we're not all perfect (despite my belief otherwise, she probably even included me in that sentiment!) I remember "feeding" the ugly baby and looking in awe at the cute, perfect, factory-made Cabbage Patch that followed and thinking how lucky I was to have them ALL. I was a mommy.... in a single-digit age kind of way. It was all I ever wanted to be, then and to come.
I'll back up for the benefit of those who don't know me, or my story. I'm Stephanie. I was born in 1977 - December to be exact. I was the only mutual child of my parents, but each had a kid or kids from prior marriages. And so, our blended family emerged. Perfect by all means (eghh hmmm... perfect because *I* had been born, I'd still argue to my three older brothers). :) The problem was, around age 2, I started getting sick. Very sick. I had a cute little toddler belly - only it wasn't a little belly. It protruded out - a lot. I don't remember anything about those days, but according to my parents, I would proudly announce I had a baby in my belly. (Who knows how at 2 I knew babies grew in bellies! I don't think sex ed started that early, even in the 70's!) But, one thing was for certain. I knew there was something growing in there. After seeking opinion after opinion to no avail, my parents drove me from our little town near Bangor, Maine (for those Maine Buffs - that would be where Stephen King lives - LOVE him!) to Boston Children's Hospital. According to the medical records I tried to finally decipher 8 or so years ago, that would've been around the end of December around my 3rd birthday. 1980. YES! The 80's! ;-) (I'm an 80's girl.. totally rocked it!) Back on track: so after testing, just after New Year's (and a few days after my birthday - yep, I'm a Christmas baby) - they got the news: I had Stage IV Neuroblastoma, a type of cancer seen usually in infants. I was given virtually no chance of survival. None. Zero. Zip. But, hey, here was an experimental protocol they could try.... so then started the surgeries to remove the mass, and the cocktails of chemo drugs (later described as akin to Agent Orange... if you're too young to know what that is, google it.. it's NOT good), and radiation from my breastbone to my pelvis. The tumor was the size of a grapefruit. Remember that protruding belly and "baby" I claimed was in there? It was this nasty glob of bad stuff, sprouting like a past-it's-good-date potato to all my major organs. Fortunately, the only one it entered was my right ovary, which was "saved" but essentially a useless minuscule perpetually 3-year-old version of itself for life thereafter. So the treatments went on for the better part of a year. I got sicker and sicker. My parents finally made them stop the treatments in favor of some quality of life. Unbeknownst to everyone, I survived. I was one of 2 who did... and later, 1 of 1 (the other survivor relapsed and succumbed to his disease a few years later). I was the sole survivor of a certain-death sentence unfairly dumped on a toddler (one, mind you, barely older than my own toddler now.... I can't imagine how my family held it together. I'd have been a nutcase).
So.... moving forward. Against all odds, 5 years of remission and I was "cured." A miracle in its own right. I took it for granted a lot when I was a kid. I had resentment and anger (not gonna lie - sometimes I still do, but for different reasons now). I couldn't remember being young. I'd look at pictures and be told stories, and I remembered NONE of it. I cannot begin to explain to you how STRANGE and UNFAIR it is to not know yourself before you were nearly a decade old. There's nothing left in that memory bank. My mind has (probably in a good way) blocked those memories. Those terrible days and the most horrible treatment. I'm resigned knowing that I'll never regain those memories, and I'm told, it's for the better.
So, back to my earliest memories of dolls and playing and being a mommy... I was 8 or 9. It was then (maybe before, but I don't recall it) that my parents began explaining to me that I would likely NEVER have my own children. The treatments all but assured that. ANGER. DENIAL. All those steps of grief they tell you about? I went through them... over and over and over. It wasn't until I was a teenager that we realized the doctors might once again have been wrong. I "developed" when I should've have... some might even say God went on overboard on that one! haha But, things were working, without the assistance of pills or injections or surgeries. For awhile, my body was normal. It was tricked into believing that I was a normal pubescent and fertile young girl. For awhile....
I learned carrying to term was going to be an "issue" early on. It likely was going to be a BIG issue. I won't go into detail on how I first came to this knowledge, but I did. And I was pretty damn young. Too young to know this or truly be dealing with it, and the potential for parenthood. But, at the time, I thought I was smarter than everyone (don't all teenage & young adult girls?)
I knew that what my parents had instilled since I was a little girl playing with my dolls - the ugly one and the factory-made ones - that I wasn't perfect. I was the ugly one. And I likely wouldn't be having a child that would live long enough inside me to live outside of me. Ever. But still there was hope. A tiny glimmer. The docs had been wrong SO many times before. Surely, this was just an anomaly.... or not.
When I first met my husband, I had no intention of having a long term relationship with him (cat's outta the bag!!!) We were just finishing up college and I was more into myself at that point. Having someone to go on a few dates with and kiss (yes, that's IT!) at the end of the night was fun, but that's all it was at first. That went on for a few months, and he eventually moved, and I moved on... It wasn't until a few years later, when he was finishing up law school up north, and I was just beginning down south, that we reconnected. If you've been to law school (or nursing school, or any type of school or program that's so emotionally draining and challenging all in one that your ONLY camaraderie is found in others suffering through a similar fate), then you understand! I needed someone to talk to! To reassure me that I wasn't completely batshit crazy for dropping my social worker job and going back to torture myself through Torts and Contracts and the Rule of Perpetuities (if you don't know what that is, trust me - it's a GOOD thing!) for the next 3 years. So, I chose my husband.. well, then, he was just a friend. As time went on, we became closer. We traveled to meet up and hang out. Nope! Sorry! Hate to bust your bubble - there was no baby making going on! We were, in all truthfulness, just best friends. Slowly (and I'll emphasize SLLLLLOWWWWWWLY), we grew closer and our love began to grow for one another, and we realized we didn't want to live apart. (Insert "awwwww. how sweet." here) So, we eventually (several years later) moved in together, then bought a house together, then got engaged, then got married. Yep, in that order. ;-) (Conventional? Did I ever suggest we were?)
After we tied the knot in October 2008, we pretty much immediately started trying to have a family. By that, I mean: he told me NO MORE 4-LEGGED CHILDREN! He wanted the human kind. So did I. Remember the dolls? It was ALL I ever wanted... to be a mommy. Now, I was in my very early 30's and feared that I might be stuck being a mommy to a doll forever because we both knew my "parts" were functioning less and less in the past few years. Ugh. Enter: my grandmother. My loving, amazing grandmother. She had adopted my dad when he was an infant: her only child ever, and did she EVER love him... Back step for a moment: in early 2009, we went to a world-renowned fertility specialist who, luck would have it, practiced less than an hour from us. He was amazing. He even gave my husband a ration of shit for being a blonde "berber" (Italian). It was all in good humor. He told me: "no worries. I don't care if your ovaries aren't working anymore (they weren't at that point). I can get you pregnant." And I believed him. Unfortunately, there was one little problem with that plan: in addition to my ovaries being bunked at that point, my always-small uterus (hence the ability to carry to term issue earlier) was even more shrunken now... um, approximately to the size of a ... you guessed it - 3 year old's! But, the doc said "no problem. We'll make it grow." HUH? We said. I had never heard of such a thing, but we went with it. Worth a shot! I pumped my body full of a cocktail of hormones and drugs for six full months, hoping that little sucker was stretching out quickly. They were going to recheck it in September. In July, my grandma was suddenly diagnosed with lung cancer, and it was bad. She had weeks, possibly days. I dropped everything and went out to Arizona to be with her. I needed to hug her one more time, and to hear her tell me stories about my dad as a baby. About her adoption story. Even though we were convincing ourselves right then that we'd just take someone else's eggs & fertilize them & implant them in me & have beautiful babies at the hospital... deep down, we all knew we probably weren't ever going to do that. I had a longing to FEEL a baby grow to term inside me; to be the one to give birth; to lay eyes on that baby first. I didn't know any other way. She shook my head around and said, "Stephanie. Adoption. It has always been your plan. And it's such a wonderful way to parenthood. Trust me." I said "okay," but still partially blew it off, even as I walked away from her in tears, knowing I'd never physically see her again. I was right. She succumbed about 2 weeks later. (Oh, and by the way - I'm in tears right now recalling this. Moreso than anything else in our journey... this conversation has always stuck with me because I HOPE she knows that I knew she was right; always have; and I'm SO thankful she never stopped telling me to adopt!) So back on point: that September, about a month after my grandma died, we went back to the Doc. They did another ultrasound. My uterus had grown: about 1/6th of the minimum it had to grow to sustain life. At this rate, it was going to take no less than 3 years, maybe more. I was done. In all ways, done. Put a fork in me. How the hell was I ever going to be the one thing I'd always wanted to be? How was I ever going to have that baby to love? ADOPTION. ADOPTION. ADOPTION.
We talked for a long time about it. The pitfalls, the expense, the planning, the uncertainty. And the love that my grandma spoke so kindly of that I couldn't shake. The fact that I'd been programmed to expect to become a parent through adoption since my earliest days. The fact that he knew it from the start. I won't lie. There was a time when he had a hard time, in the beginning, grasping the idea of loving a child who didn't come from his little swimmers (the technical term, of course). But then, even before we made the decision - even before we ever went to that doctor - even before we ever got married.... another miracle happened. My niece was born - 10 weeks early. She spent a lot time in the NICU. And so did I. Every day after work I made the drive. Every weekend I made the drive. I fell in love with a little baby I thought was sure to die the first time I laid eyes on her, and she fell in love with me, and then with US when she came home. And the most incredible of things happened: HE fell in love with HER - a child who was not only not of his own sperm, but wasn't related in any way, shape, or form to him. He loved her like a daughter, and it was then I knew that he knew he could love ANY child as his own. No doubt about it.
So, in the end of August 2010, I made the first step in what was to become the hardest, and most rewarding couple years of our lives: I contacted an agency. By October, we were meeting with our social worker for the first time, filling out gobs of paperwork, and getting printed by the FBI to pass our background checks. Interviews, home visits, scrubbing the corners of the walls, searching for the crease in the bed sheets that might raise a red flag that we wouldn't be the very best parents in the world.... and we were ready! In February 2011, we got the call that we were approved, licensed, and ready to go! We went in "the book" in March 2011 with our agency. We were chosen six days later by a married couple with 2 girls looking to place a third, thought to be due in 10 weeks. WOW. This was really IT! We scrambled to get our composure; we bought a little $5 bear for each of the little girls at the store, and we went to our agency to meet this couple. We had always been told that we'd have SO MUCH in common with our match that talking would never be odd. It was. I don't know if it was my nerves or my gut saying this wasn't "the one" and not wanting to acknowledge that... but I just couldn't find my words (and if you've gotten this far in this post, you'll know THAT doesn't happen often!) My husband and the birth dad? Got along like CHAMPS! Sports! They had TONS in common with that tie. I thought to myself, "well.... if HE'S happy with the match, at least one of us will have that connection." But I found myself glancing down at the stack of papers the birthmom had with her; one of which was a "dear birthmom" letter from another couple, and a picture of them, with a horse. That horse would be the death of us, so it would seem. You see, our agency had arranged for these birthparents (and their children) to meet TWO families.. not just us, and get to know us both and then decide between us. Wanna guess who the "losers" were? Yup. You guessed it. The ones WITHOUT the horse! Looking back a few days after we got the devastating news that our match was no more, I wanted to scream out "But we DO have a HORSE! She's a leonberger!" (google them - they're fantastic dogs for kids - and are about the size of a mini horse! haha). But, I didn't. I just cried and went into a hole for a few days, trying to mend my heart that felt it would never heal.
I decided I wasn't going to let the agency dictate when I became a mommy. I started researching and put together what then was a pretty rudimentary website about us (trust me, it's MUCH better now than in those first few weeks, when it went "active" in April 2011). I'll add another post later about my networking efforts, but let's just say, for now, that I was sharing the website as much as I could. We were contacted by a few potential birthmoms who seemed legit. We talked to a few of them for weeks. For one reason or another, those didn't work out (though a few of them are going to offer insights later on this blog from their perspective and why they looked at adoption, chose to parent, etc.). I kept on with the online networking. We were contacted by our agency again at 3:30 in the afternoon on June 2, 2011. They had a match for us. Not only a match - a PLACEMENT! A little girl, not a newborn, but she was just 4 months old (and for those who adopt older babies & kids, I commend you but before I tell you this didn't work out I'll tell you how thankful I am that it didn't because I absolutely cannot fathom not having had that first 4 months with my precious babies!)... Anyway, we were to drive 1 hour away and be there at 6 to take the baby with us and meet her birthmom. We threw stuff together and got in the car, not even sure how to connect the carseat, figuring we'd do it there with the help of the social workers. We talked names. We came up with one we agreed upon: Olivia. (Another thankful moment since we've got friends now with kids with this name & a WHOLE LOT of them around here!) We got to the agency location 5 minutes late. The birthmom wasn't there yet. In my gut, I knew. I knew it wasn't happening and I had already resigned myself to it. After all, 2 1/2 hours wasn't long enough to fall in love with this child in our minds or hearts.... or was it. We got the call about 20 minutes later. She wasn't coming. Her aunt wanted to care for the child for 2 weeks, and then she'd be placing her with us (sure, right, uh huh... buh bye....). We drove home in silence. I was fine. Truly I was. But when I woke up the next morning and realized I'd have to go to work... the work I'd rushed out of the evening before saying "we're going to get a baby!!!!!!!" and explain why I was back, I cried. A lot. Then I took a deep breath, and went out the door to my job.
Therein started up more networking efforts. Fortunately, a young girl who was an admin on a well-traversed Facebook page saw our website and fell in love with us.. She started sharing our site on their wall - once - 1000 hits in an hour! WOW! We had never seen that kind of traffic! A few weeks later - again - 1000 hits in 10 minutes! The next day, I woke up in a hotel while traveling for work - three weeks to the day from the last disaster with our agency- and there was a single-lined email in my inbox of my email, and a similar one in my FB messages. "I think you might be the ones God had planned for me" and "I have an 8 month old and am 18 weeks pregnant with my second, and am considering.. ADOPTION...." Here it was. Again. Was this one legit? Was she really interested in us? Did I want to trust that I'd ever be a mommy? Well, if I was ever going to, I did with her. A lot went into it, and we became very close over the course of the next 5 months, but on Tuesday, November 22, 2011, she made me the one thing I could never make myself: a mother. She gave birth to an absolutely PERFECT little 7 pound 12.5 oz, 20" blonde haired, blue eyed baby boy that we named Chance. He is now throwing balls at me while I type this and laughing like a monster.... Ahhhh, the joys of toddlerhood! But, I'd take EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of his crazy monkey-boy antics to be his mother over and over again. He is a precious angel and my grandma was right: ADOPTION. It was what I was always meant to do; who I was meant to be; and what I was meant to help others with.
So, in late August 2012, we started up again. Chance needed a baby sibling, of course! (He does have an older birth brother who is being raised by his incredible birth mom... who will ALSO be offering written insights for this blog in the future, too!). We went through a lot in a short time with our networking, culminating in an emotional scammer contacting us the day after Chance turned one (on Thanksgiving that year). It only took 4 days to put the pieces together and to find out who she was (she was the subject of Dateline many years before and had an ongoing "issue" with this kind of thing.. almost always just after a holiday - nothing like making someone's dreams be crushed in the most horrible of ways at a time that should otherwise be happy!). So, I made it my mission to find her and take her down. I did, with the help of a special friend who was also hoping to adopt (and still does). We tracked her down in Ohio. She was staying at a shelter there under false pretenses. We also found out she was on parole and had absconded (skipped out). So, I contacted her parole office and the police and gave them everything I knew (following my preface of "I know this sounds completely crazy, but......"). We played along for a few days to keep tabs. She didn't know we were onto her. On Friday, she disappeared. On Tuesday, I got the call from her parole officer: I had been right. It was who I thought it was (Amy Slanina - Google her - she's a "peach" haha). They had her. She had, in fact, been at a shelter...... For some reason still a mystery to me, I picked up the phone and called the shelter. I don't know what I wanted. I don't know what I wanted to find out. But, I called. And the woman who answered and I talked like we had been friends for years - for well over an hour. That was that. A few weeks later, we packed up ship (about to be a "pun intended" moment) and headed to Florida with our 12 month old to board the Carnival Liberty! It was time for some Caribbean sun.. and maybe a tropical drink or two ;-) It was definitely time to leave adoption behind for a week! We sailed out on December 15th. We returned to port on December 22, 2012, Chance's 13th month "birthday." We were notified that day that the woman who answered the phone at the shelter? Her daughter's lifelong best friend was almost 18 weeks pregnant and considering adoption, and had been shown our page and wanted to talk..... That began another relationship we'll have for life. On May 15, 2013, our second son was placed in our arms by another incredibly special young lady. Rhys (pronounced "Reece" - not "rice" or "rise" like everyone realllllly wants to say when they read it) was the name my husband chose for him. It was unconventional: he got it from The Terminator. Kyle Reece, to be specific (Sarah Connor's future son's father who comes back to save her from The Terminator, sent back to kill her before she ever becomes pregnant with her son..... Um, if you haven't seen it yet, you've been living in a protective bubble far too long. Go rent it. NOW! It might even be on netflix for free!) Anyway, it was his way of giving him a "super hero" name without being too obvious. Now I tease him about it.. A lot. But, I suppose it was a cool way to come up with a name (don't tell him I said that!!!).
So, here we are, 8 months and 6 days after Rhys was born; 1 day shy of 26 months after Chance was born, and we're the parents to two special little boys. ADOPTION. Yep, my grandma was right. I'd give up my eggs every day for the rest of my life to have these boys, and their birth families, in my life. They ARE my life. I'm their mommy. I have succeeded at something in life. No more baby dolls! Well, okay... maybe... if one of them wanted one or, some day, there was a little girl added to the mix.. SOME DAY. NOT TODAY!!!!! ;-) ADOPTION. To adopt or not to adopt. That was the question. And, now you have the answer.
Bear with me! This mama to two adopted boys is learning the ropes!
So, I'm new to the world of blogging. I'll be completely honest with you and tell you that, while I've written for my job, for my schooling, created a website full of writing (well, okay, two of them!), and just for fun: I've NEVER entered the world of blog-dome. I never thought I needed to, or wanted to. I thought "our story is out there. People can go to our website and read it." But then it dawned on me: our website is geared towards our end goal: adoption. Did anyone go there anymore since we're not trying to adopt again right now? I checked the stats: yep. They're still visiting. Surely it is out of pure curiosity about who we are because they've heard bits and pieces of our story, or maybe a fantasy that perhaps I'd someday update the thing and bring everyone up to speed about how our incredible little family - which went from two adults to two adults with four tiny legs running around in less than two short years - was doing. Maybe people wanted to see the "secret" pictures I hadn't somehow shared with Facebook-land (yes, there are over 4,700 pictures of my beautiful children on there... I'm not sure if that makes me (1) insane, (2) an avid picture-taker, (3) or just a little of both and, no, you can't be my friend on Facebook just to see them!). Anyway, it got me thinking, and thinking for awhile: did I even HAVE TIME with 2 (now demanding) little boys to keep the world apprised of our dealings outside of Facebook? To help connect other families hoping for the same dream that we've had fulfilled twice-over? To give my advice to anyone who wanted to take it for what it is: advice.. mine.. and solely mine. Maybe it works for you; maybe it doesn't? But, obviously you're reading it so you must be interested? Hmmmm.... I wasn't really sure. Did I give it a go and write in the most eloquent of fashions, directing the attention of my so-called-blog to future adoptive parents who were looking for some support and for someone who's "been there, done that!"? Or did I reach out to the girls who were considering placing for adoption, too? Because, obviously, having been chosen a few times, and having successfully adopted twice, THEY READ TOO and, um, believe it or not, are the most integral part of this little triad called adoption! Did I make myself sound educated, thoughtful, and perfectly professional? Why? Am I selling a product? Ha! No! So, here it is, friends... the start to a new journey: the revelations of our past, present and future. All about adoption.... errrrr (insert the sound of screeching tires here)... well, at least about living with two adopted babies and two extended families (yep, I said it - TWO EXTENDED FAMILIES! Because our sons' beginnings are continuations of their lives, and ours. We gained a whole lot more than we thought we would when they went from being just little dreams growing in our hearts and had them placed in our arms: we gained TWO MORE families! That's a good thing, by the way! A VERY good thing). So, here it is: the down & dirty. The nuts to bolts of how we did it. The why. The when. The WHAT (TF?)?!? of our lives! Written in the most UNeloquent way... because this is who I am. I'm a professional; I'm a mom; and I'm not perfect. If you're okay with that.... follow us here! Because I can promise what will follow is a series of UNperfect adventures, laughs, heartaches, and stories that might help you, haunt you, or make you crave even more! :) I hope you enjoy..... the craziness that is my life as the adoptive mama of two incredibly special and perfect little boys!
The next few weeks will consist of a few stories, but mostly the background stuff: how we got started on this journey, how it progressed, how our babies came to us, and where we are now. It will consist of advice and what worked for us, if you're working on adopting, yourself... and it will consist of our views about open vs. semi open vs. closed adoption, because each has its pitfalls, and our opinions have changed greatly over the past couple of years (for the better, I would like to think). After I get all the nitty-gritty stuff out of the way for those who'd actually like to learn a thing or two about us and/or how we adopted.... I'll give you a little more of the "fun" stuff that is our daily life with these 2 characters we call our sons.
For now... if you truly want to read about US, and our beginnings: here's the link to our adoption website. It was originally entitled something else, but this shortened version is better, I think... though others have thought so, too, and copied it. So, haha.. apparently our "success" is measured in our site name (and not in who we are!) ;-) Enjoy. www.YourAdoptionOption.com And, PS - if you copy our site name, it doesn't mean you'll get "picked" any faster. It's not about the name (okay, okay, so it is maybe a LITTLE about the name for searching-purposes), but it's about who you are and how you portray yourselves. At least do me the favor of copying US if you're gonna copy our site ;-) (no, I'm just kidding.. kinda. Feel free to use our site as a template for your ideas on how to create your own amazing website... but be creative enough to come up with something that's true to YOU, not US!) ;-)
And, just for those of you who can't bear to wait another minute to see our two little miracles, here they are! (Enter "oohs" and "ahhhs" here because you know they're just the cutest lil men you've ever seen in your whole life!)
The next few weeks will consist of a few stories, but mostly the background stuff: how we got started on this journey, how it progressed, how our babies came to us, and where we are now. It will consist of advice and what worked for us, if you're working on adopting, yourself... and it will consist of our views about open vs. semi open vs. closed adoption, because each has its pitfalls, and our opinions have changed greatly over the past couple of years (for the better, I would like to think). After I get all the nitty-gritty stuff out of the way for those who'd actually like to learn a thing or two about us and/or how we adopted.... I'll give you a little more of the "fun" stuff that is our daily life with these 2 characters we call our sons.
For now... if you truly want to read about US, and our beginnings: here's the link to our adoption website. It was originally entitled something else, but this shortened version is better, I think... though others have thought so, too, and copied it. So, haha.. apparently our "success" is measured in our site name (and not in who we are!) ;-) Enjoy. www.YourAdoptionOption.com And, PS - if you copy our site name, it doesn't mean you'll get "picked" any faster. It's not about the name (okay, okay, so it is maybe a LITTLE about the name for searching-purposes), but it's about who you are and how you portray yourselves. At least do me the favor of copying US if you're gonna copy our site ;-) (no, I'm just kidding.. kinda. Feel free to use our site as a template for your ideas on how to create your own amazing website... but be creative enough to come up with something that's true to YOU, not US!) ;-)
And, just for those of you who can't bear to wait another minute to see our two little miracles, here they are! (Enter "oohs" and "ahhhs" here because you know they're just the cutest lil men you've ever seen in your whole life!)
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