POP! It's not just soda for adoptive parents... it's the KEY to a successful adoption!

Get POP!  Get POP!  You'll hear it over and over if you're researching or perusing the internet for "what to do if I'm self-networking and am contacted by a potential birthmom..."     So, what exactly is POP, and why do you need it?

POP = Proof of Pregnancy.

It's the absolute number one most important thing you need to confirm who you are talking to is, in fact, preggo.  Have you read my other posts - especially the one about SCAMMERS?  Yep, this is one area where scammers thrive.  They may contact you and tell you an amazing story about their pregnancy and why they're considering adoption... and they may not even be pregnant at all.  Likewise, they might tell you a set of facts about their pregnancy - such as an estimated due date, conception date, etc., and that info might not jive with reality.  Whatever the background is:  POP is your key to confirming they are who they say they are and that they're actually pregnant.  Obviously, it isn't proof they're truly considering adoption, or that they won't change their mind and decide to parent (you must always keep in mind that this is a possibility, and their right, and should be supported if this is the decision they make with regard to their child, no matter how much it hurts your heart!).   POP is also one way to open the lines of communication with a potential birthmom:  now that you know she's "real" and the baby she's describing is "real," you might have more questions, or she might want to talk about her medical care, etc.  You never know.  But, one thing is certain:  get POP as soon as possible once you've been contacted.  And.... make sure it's GOOD POP!  (Read on...)

I'll start out by saying: I lucked out.  Big time.  We were contacted by some scammers early on, but POP wasn't really necessary for me to figure out their bs.  They were pretty obvious, so I just moved on.  When our oldest son's birthmom contacted us, I didn't ask for POP.  I didn't ask for anything, other than to get to know her.  Maybe I was enamored after just having gone through a failed match and a failed placement with our agency, and just convinced myself what I was hearing was real...  Maybe I was in lala land and had no clue how "good" a scammer could be (in hindsight... I was definitely in lala land, but not because of this birthmom.. I was just naive and not as well versed in adoption scams as I thought I was at the time).  Maybe I just knew.  I knew she was the one.  I knew she was carrying what would become our son.  I knew it.  It's easy to say that now, looking back, since we obviously now have that son (and an amazing relationship with his birth family, I'll add!)....  if things hadn't worked out, would I have "just known?"  I dunno.  Perhaps not.  But, we were always told, "you'll know."  And, I did.  I did without question.  She was barely 18 weeks along when she contacted me, but I never doubted she was really pregnant or the facts she told me about herself or her pregnancy.  The first time I had a twinge of doubt that this was "real" was a full month later when I was sitting in a hotel room by myself (my husband had to stay behind for work), waiting out the night, painting my fingernails and toenails in a complete effort to take my mind of the sheer fear that she wouldn't show up the next day to meet me for the ultrasound and doctor's appointment... that I would find out then that I'd been "had."  But, she did show up, and the ultrasound went great.  We found out there was a little tripod in there (boy!) and laughed and chatted all day like we'd known each other for ages.  I KNEW then this was all real and our dreams were coming true.  Looking back, should I have asked for POP up front?  Probably.  No, definitely.  Because, what if my intuition had been wrong and I'd spent an entire month getting to know this young lady, falling in love with her and this baby, only to find out it was all bs...  would I have ever gotten over that?  Probably not.  The emotional toll that kind of thing takes on you is grueling.  If you've read the rest of my story, you know we encountered a VERY GOOD scammer on journey #2 and that only lasted 4 days, but the effects, to some degree, stick with me today.  I'm less trusting.  I question everything.  I don't let my heart dictate what I do...   All I'm saying is, we were lucky the first time around.  We didn't get "had."  Our son's birthmom was true/real/amazing, and we were blessed five months later with the birth of our first of two incredible little boys.  But, it could have ended differently... GET POP!!!!!

Over the past 3 years, I've encountered a lot of scammers.  Some better than others.  Some simply terrible.  I've seen a lot of POP's, and a lot of doctored POP's.  I've learned what to look for, and what things stand out - no, SCREAM - runnnnnn! Runnnnnnn farrrrrrrrr awayyyyyyy!  Here are a few things you should know about POP:

Ultrasounds are NOT the best POP.  In fact, they can be easily faked/doctored/tailored... and even ordered on the internet!  Don't rely on an ultrasound pic alone to prove that a pregnancy is real.  The best proof of pregnancy comes via a signed HIPPA-Compliant Release by the potential birthmom with her OB/GYN to speak to you (or to your agency or attorney) for the purposes of confirming pregnancy, preferably with an allowance to release the actual records to you.  Records will include any prenatal testing/treatment, etc. and if it comes directly (DIRECTLY, as in NOT from the potential birthmom on the doc's behalf) from the doctor to you (or your attorney or agency), you can pretty well be sure it's true.  (I'm gonna add in here for the sake of being truthful that, with our second adoption... our son's birthmom didn't provide us with POP when we first met her; she texted pics of her ultrasound a couple weeks later; and we got the doctor's records from her directly later.... BUT, in our case, under the particular circumstances of our match, we were 100% certain she was who she said she was and that she was, in fact, pregnant, so POP was of less concern to us for those reasons.. under NORMAL self-networking matches, it should be top priority).  Back to the point:  if your potential birthmom refuses to sign a Release/Consent with her doc, or if she makes up excuses regarding this constantly and/or consistently misses or reschedules her doc appointments to avoid doing so...  your guard should be up and the flags waving.  I'm not saying it's a scam, but your radar should be calibrating, because you're going to have to do some investigation to make sure you're dealing with a legit person/pregnancy.

If you can't get POP directly from a doctor, and you're provided with ultrasound pics.....  The BEST ultrasound pics are (obviously) prints from the hospital/clinic who did them.  If you know anything about ultrasounds, these will come in a string (usually 3-4 or more) of continuous ultrasound pics depicting different views of the baby.  They'll almost always be black & white (unless 3D/4D, in which case they may be a sepia color, but early ultrasounds usually won't be 3D/4D).  They should be CRISP.  They should not be blurry.  There should be the ultrasound picture, itself, with a lot of information AROUND the picture in the upper and usually right sided borders, including the mother's first and last name, her date of birth, the name of the clinic or location providing the ultrasound, the type of machine (i.e. "GE") being used, an estimated conception date and due date, and potentially other dates figured by measurements, and several other things that represent measurements and/or other information that may not be so clear.  The things to be on the lookout for are those mentioned above - in particular, the EDD, ECD, and the mother's name, DOB, and the DATE OF THE SCAN (yep, I've seen some that were passed off as "2011" scans that clearly showed a date of "2004" on them, or ones where "Mary Jones" is the alleged birthmom, yet the scan shows "Jane Morris" as the mother whose scan it is.  Likewise, I've seen where the alleged birthmom contacts someone in May, stating she's due in August, and the EDD shows February....)  If you see inconsistencies like this, RUN.  Don't walk away.  Because there's NO REASON for a falsified/fake/someone else's ultrasound other than a scam.  None.  Likewise, if this information is missing or has been blurred out, or has been obviously "photoshopped" (look for different font, different alignment, different color, etc.), RUN even faster because that person is learning the ropes of scamming more effectively....   If they just send you the actual picture, with none of the data around the outside, ask for the whole thing.  In this day in age, they can take a pic with their cell phone pretty easily and send it... or go to a library, office depot, etc., and have it scanned in and emailed for less than $1.  Call the place and pay the dollar!

Learn how to do image searches online.  It won't always work.  As a matter of fact, it won't work most of the time.  Even in cases where someone steals 100 photos from someone's online blog and uses them as their own photos on a fake Facebook page (yep, I've seen it several times), maybe 1 or 2 of those photos might actually be recognizable by the search engines and pull, leading you to where they actually came from (even though, once "there" - to the blog where they were stolen from - ALL the pics are actually there).  I'm not sure why this is.  Maybe the imaging scans aren't all that yet.  But, they're better than nothing.  Until you're CERTAIN you are talking to who you think you are, and the pics you're shown are true, correct, and HERS.... learn to use Google Images and Tineye.  Use them both.  Also check both Google AND Yahoo when performing searches.  I learned the hard way that sometimes something pulls on one, when it doesn't pull on another....  To check a digital image, right click on it and "copy image" (or the like language, depending on your computer).  Go to google and paste into the search.  Then, click on "search images" when it gives you the option.  IF it finds an identical image, it'll pull it and you can click on it and go to the original location (usually ultrasound pics are pulled from google searches of same... so it'll be some sort of medical somewhere site...)..  If you confirm the image is taken from somewhere on the internet.. RUN.  If you don't find it, it doesn't mean it's real/legit.  It just means the search engine is unable to definitively match all the pixels.  This can happen if they slightly alter the image, change the pixelation in any way, crop, etc.  So, keep looking....  Check ALL the pics you get this way until you're sure you are dealing with a legit person.  It just takes finding ONE of them for you to have your answer.

Lastly, those beautiful belly shots are amazing.  They're something special for the baby book, and for you to stare at and cherish.  ..... IF they're real.  Belly shots are pretty easy to take off the internet, or to use an old pregnancy pic, or to use a friend's pregnancy pic.  Be particularly and acutely aware of belly shots that show JUST the belly, and not the head/face.  Learn the approximate size of a 20 week pregnant belly versus a 30 week versus a 36 week....  not all bellies are made equal, and not all babies grow the same... but if you're sent a belly pic that barely looks pregnant for someone who's supposedly 38 weeks along, or one that looks extremely pregnant for someone who is supposedly 15 weeks.... well... you might need to keep investigating.  If the potential birthmom has a Facebook or Myspace (or any of the other social media site) account that offers pictures... check them.  Look at what they look like NOW as opposed to earlier in life.  If they have past children, could these pics be from those pregnancies?  Look, and look some more.  It's amazing the wealth of information you can find if you're diligent...

Here are some examples of falsified ultrasound pics, to give you an idea of what to look for:

Remember, a million paragraphs ago, when I told you that falsified POP can be had from the internet....  Well, here's a great example of that:  this site showed up a few months back and it offers the ability to order just about anything customized for the person, to establish POP...  It's put out there as a "gag" site, but it's pretty obvious it's ground zero for the savvy scammer.  Just be aware that these things exist, and for a few bucks, someone can produce what appears to be legit POP.  (Note: this and other sites even provide fake pregnant bellies... so the crap... I mean "stuff" they sell here is really scary for hopeful adoptive parents going about this on their own!)

Click here for the "fun" --  http://www.fakeababy.com/

"It was a scam!" The words you never want to hear when you're waiting for the greatest gift on Earth...

We were lucky.  We were only contacted by a handful of scammers over the course of two adoption journeys.  For some, it's many, many more.  Perhaps it was my diligence; perhaps it was my ability to "see through it"; or perhaps it was just luck.  I can't really pinpoint why we didn't ever really get "taken," but I can tell you that I've done a LOT of soul searching and a lot of researching since December 2012 when we were taken for the biggest emotional roller coaster ride of our lives.  For four days, our world was turned upside down by one of the cruelest con artists around.  Known to us as Marie Richards, she was, in actuality, Amy Marie Slanina.  Had I had her real name from the get-go, 96-ish hours of Hell would have been skirted.  But, had I had her real name from the moment she contacted us with grand promises of a baby girl to adopt, she would've harmed someone else, maybe worse than us.  And, most importantly, the link that occurred because of her evil between myself and a worker at the shelter where she was scamming her way through life in far-away Ohio wouldn't have ever been made.  And, had that link not been established, we would never have been introduced to our amazing BB2's birthmom (from time to time, you might see me talk about my second son as BB2..  it was something we called him from the moment we knew he was a "him" until his huge-dimpled face was born... mainly because I'm a pain and I refused to tell anyone - except his birthmom - what his name was going to be; so, instead, he became lovingly known as "baby boy 2" or BB2).   Back to my point:  sometimes it is the hardest, most disturbing crap that we go through to get to the diamonds.. what really matters.. what is beyond incredible.  No scam? = No BB2 = No freakin' way.. give me the scam any day!  I wouldn't give him back to save my heart that heartache from Slanina.  Not a chance.  Not one chance in Hell.  So, if you encounter a scammer... and if you're self-networking, you probably will... keep your head up.  It doesn't mean your journey is done; sometimes it actually is the door that opens to find your ultimate happiness.  Does every story have a happy fairytale ending?  Well, ask yourself if you're really asking me that.. because, obviously, the answer is NO.  An emphatic NO!  But, some do, and yours could be that story, too.  You never know.   What you SHOULD know, though, is how to be prepared and to avoid the heartache as much as possible.

First of all: NOT ALL SCAMMERS WANT MONEY OR THINGS OF VALUE!  (Well, unless you consider your heart, your feelings, your time, and your trust something of value and, if so, read on....)

Everyone knows there are scammers out there who want to "get paid."  They may be pregnant and willing to place with the highest bidder (I call that baby selling and, p.s., it's illegal!)  They may be pregnant and accepting money or other things of value with promises of placing, but they have no intention of placing (yep, you got it - that's illegal too - it's called fraud!)  Or, they may NOT be pregnant at all, but claiming they are, and accepting money or things of value (think: rent, utilities, Walmart gift cards, a car, you name it... depending on the state, sometimes there is no "ceiling" to the things that could potentially be requested and that some people might pay....)  Obviously, this last one is fraud too.  All are punishable by jail or prison time, potentially.  And a criminal record, of course.  The problem is that not all jurisdictions really care to penalize these scammers.  They let them slide...  And they do it again.  And again.  And again.  They get better at it.  They learn they're virtually untouchable.  UNTIL NOW!  In this day in age, there's no excuse for not utilizing every technological advantage YOU have too!  Read on....

But before you do, understand that there are EMOTIONAL SCAMMERS too!  What is that, you say? Well, if you're new to this journey, I am 99.99995% certain you'll think I'm crazy right about now.  You can't be emotionally scammed, right?  And, why would someone do that if they're not getting anything out of it?  Well, I pray that you aren't ever the victim of one of these ruthless con artists.... but the reality of it is: there are probably FAR more emotional scammers out there than there are financial scammers.  The reason?  I have no scientific or research-backed reason to give you.  But I can tell you, from my experience, and my gut reaction: the reason is because they can get away with it 99.9999999999999999% of the time.  When I mean get away with it, I mean COMPLETELY get away with it!  Not even an arrest.  Nothing.  No way to track - or find out - through any legal means, what they've done.  Why?  Because there are virtually NO jurisdictions which criminalize this behavior.  Is it fraud?  AbsoFREAKINGlutely!  No doubt about it!  None whatsoever!  But, under the law, they aren't taking something of "value" from you because under the law, your heart/time/emotions/trust/sense of wellbeing/integrity, etc..... aren't things of "value."  So, no prosecution, no record, and the cycle continues, with them learning each and every time what works and what doesn't and what to do to stay on "that" side of the legal line so as to be essentially untouchable.  And, trust me when I tell you: they DO continue this behavior and they DO get better with each victim.

So, to answer your next question: the WHY would they do it? question...  I'll liken it to domestic violence.  In a "typical" dv situation, why does the abuser abuse?  To have POWER & CONTROL over someone who is, to some degree, dependent (even if only emotionally) on them.  They know they can get away with it, and the other person, in many situations, will remain.  They're in control.  They have the power.  Well.... it's similar with an emotional scammer.  Let's replace the word "scammer" with "abuser."  Same thing.  It's about POWER & CONTROL.  Maybe this girl was made fun of as a child; maybe she was always picked last on the kickball line; maybe she had no friends; maybe she was never told nice things; maybe....  and so, let's assume for the sake of assuming, that she becomes a teenager and then young adult and she gets heavy.  But, her weight is almost all in her belly.  She almost LOOKS pregnant (but she's not).  Someone makes that mistake of assuming she's happily pregnant and smiles at her and says "when are you due?"  (don't lie to yourself and say you've never made that mistake in the check out line at a grocery store with a complete stranger!!!  haha).   In any event, when that person says that to her, maybe she is sad or angry at first, but then she sees the happy expression on the person's face - the only person who has given her positive attention in a long time.  So, she starts pretending she's pregnant when it suits her, and she gets tons and tons of attention - in a positive way.  Then she stumbles upon something about adoption and sees all the eager, excited waiting couples who want nothing more than to be parents.  She tries her luck to see what happens.  She contacts one, and they LOVE her.  They shower her with attention and ask about her, and her wants and needs, her fears, her dreams, anything and everything hoping to get to know her!  For the first time in her life, she's getting all the attention.  And she realizes that SHE calls the shots with regard to her "baby" (a/k/a belly of disproportionate fat).  She plays little emotional games - makes up drama - stories about the baby kicking, or maybe about a late night ER visit - all to elicit a response... and to be in control.  She has the power.  As time goes on, she's got to get out because, remember, there is no baby, so there's not gonna be an adoption.  And these people who love her so right now, aren't gonna love her so tomorrow...  So, she sends a text at 4am saying she started cramping, or bleeding, or feeling funny, and she went to the hospital, and the baby came so quick, she didn't even have a chance to call them, and there was no heartbeat.  Nothing could be done to save it.  She's so sorry, but can they still be friends?  The couple cries tears of loss. Tears they didn't think were possible over a baby they had never held; had never laid eyes on.  It was a loss.  The baby they had grown to love in their hearts had died.  A piece of them died with it.  Or, screech the car to a halt and reverse just a little bit:  that 4am text comes through and she says, apologetically, how sorry she is but she has decided she wants to keep the baby and will not be placing.  Again, sorrow for the adoptive couple... but perhaps a little less of a heartbreak than thinking that baby is dead.  Remember: there never was a baby.  But, they don't know it.  Now, imagine if they start to question her before that 4am text:  her belly has stayed the same size and shape for weeks; she has never provided them with any doctor's notes or ultrasounds or anything showing she actually IS pregnant; she keeps changing her appointment times around; she hasn't called their attorney or agency....  They start asking questions, and she knows they're onto her.  Eventually, maybe she blurts out the truth, or she more likely shrivels into the background and begins at square one with another unsuspecting family...  The result for THIS family though isn't just a "loss" - and it is a loss, because even though there wasn't ever a baby, they THOUGHT there was.  They PLANNED for this baby and they fell in love with this baby.. or the thought of it.  Maybe they even named the baby.  They more than likely shared intimate details of their lives with this woman... someone they thought they'd have a lifelong connection to.  They listened to her, and believed her, and fell in love with her.  There is a loss.  Sometimes doubly over.  And, in addition to the loss, there is the ripping from the adoptive couple of TRUST.  They believed her and planned their lives around what she had to say.... their trust was broken in the most reprehensible way - by someone whose sole mission was to emotionally deprive them of their life and their dream.  The longer it goes on, in theory, the worse the emotional damage.  But, in reality, the damage can be lasting from only a brief encounter.  Just think about a time where you were betrayed, lied to, hurt, etc. by someone you thought you loved (most of us have had it happen at least once!)...  did your heart heal immediately?  Were you able to move on immediately?  Probably not.  It's similar here.  Emotional scammers cause scars we can't see.  They cause harm that isn't financially or otherwise measurable.  They deprive us of not only our dream of being a family, and they deprive us of the ability to immediately and fully put that same trust into the next person who contacts us with a story...  What do they get out of it?  Power and control.

With all of that said.....  there are certain things you can do to protect yourself (or at least to minimize the damage).  First and foremost, find groups online to join who have a like-minded interest:  avoiding adoption scammers!   There are groups on Yahoo, Facebook, and I'm sure many more places.  Don't just join one - join several.  If you're actively networking, be active on those pages.  Check for names, but be aware that some of the "good" ones (like Slanina) use a number of aliases.  Slanina had combinations of 10 or more names over the course of her 16 years as an emotional adoption scammer... and Marie Richards (her alias with us) was, to my knowledge, a brand new one (so not one I found in any search I did on her).  Just because you can't find a name, and no one knows the name, doesn't mean it's not a scammer (and, conversely, just because you find a name that someone else is asking about, it doesn't absolutely mean that person IS a scammer)...   Join, join, join!  Step 1 to avoiding the scammers!  Be active! Be active! Be active!  Step 2!  When I say be active, read, keep up to date on the postings, search often, and add names if you have questions or a gut feeling and want to run it by others....

Read all you can about "red flags" to look out for.  You'll learn about these in those groups, and if you google the term with adoption or adoption scammers, you'll find a lot more.  Some groups have collected nice little lists of things to look out for.  But, you'll need to LEARN it and know what it all means to avoid it.

Here's a decent and very brief article on adoption scams (I'll note that they do talk about scams by adoptive couples, agencies, and birthmoms and, certainly, ANY of these can scam... the purpose of this blog and entry, though, is to talk about my knowledge and background... and mine's limited to dealing with what I'll call "birthmom scams").  https://www.adoptioncouncil.org/publications/adoption-advocate-no-36.html

There are a myriad of websites, articles, books, cd's, etc. out there that go over adoption scams.  As time goes on, I'll expand upon this post because I think it's a very important one, and probably one that deserves more than one long-winded (yes, longgggggggg winded) blog entry.  So, keep reading and follow this blog to see when more are posted!

For now, I'll leave you with this: Here are a FEW (and I mean a FEW) RED FLAGS to watch out for in dealing with a new potential birthmom contact:

*Immediately asking you for money (or other things of monetary value)
*Immediately (as in within hours, sometimes minutes) asks you to match with her
*Asks little to no questions about you and focuses much of the attention on herself
*Won't talk on the phone or Skype - just wants to talk via FB, texts, instant messaging
*No POP (proof of pregnancy) - ultrasounds are NOT enough.  They can be easily altered.
*Won't sign a release allowing you to speak to her OB.
*Won't contact your agency or attorney
*Due date changes multiple times, or in a large way (i.e. a month or more)
*Constant drama (equals more attention on her)
*Gender of baby changes (might be an "oops" moment if she can't recall what she said before)
*Avoids talking about birth plan and focuses strictly on the here & now
*Constantly texting or calling and/or has a complete lack of boundaries
*No last name given (for reasons elsewhere, I don't advocate sharing yours upfront or publicly!)
*Dates don't match up (conception, due date, etc.)
*Stories or details of stories change from one talk to another
*It's twins!

There are many more, but these will get you started.

MOST IMPORTANTLY:  TRUST YOUR GUT.  If it's telling you something isn't right, it probably isn't.

That said, though, keep in mind that if you encounter one, two, three, or more of the red flags, above, their flags, not absolutes.  Just because it is a flag, doesn't mean it's not true in your situation.  Just use your common sense and don't let your heart lead your head.

One last note, on ultrasounds:  if this is the POP you're given:  check to make sure it's got all the relevant information on it & isn't cropped out.  It should include first and last name, medical clinic name, date of the ultrasound, expected due date & conception date, and various other information about the scan and clinic, etc.  If any of that is blurred out, obviously changed (check font, placement, how clear it is, etc.), worry.  Also, if the overall quality of the picture is very blurry, question it.... it could be that it's a pic of a pic and had other info altered on it.  Google the name of the clinic to see if it lines up with the location where she says she is at.  Obviously, make sure the date is correct.  Also, if it's an electronic transmission (i.e. she emailed or texted it to you), run a search on Google Images and/or Tin Eye to see if it pulls that picture from anywhere on the web.  If it does, you know it's bogus.  If it doesn't, it still doesn't mean it's bogus, but at least you still have hope!

That's it for now!!!  More to come in a few days.   :)