About Self-Networking

So, here begin my posts about the ins & outs and my not-so-expert advice on successful adoptions. Like I've said in previous posts, we started out our journey in late 2010 with an agency. It was carefully selected because, before becoming an attorney (I don't give advice so don't ask it!!! ;-) ), I was a foster care caseworker for 2 years with this agency and it was wonderful. So, the question of which agency to use to adopt (because, new to adoption, we thought that's what you do to adopt: you choose an agency and you wait to be matched, end of story), was easy. We went with the one I worked for years before. It also happened to be one of the lower-cost ones (still expensive, but lower than some), and they boasted a fairly decent placement rate.

 So, there it was. I won't identify the various agencies on here because, quite frankly, the experience of one family may differ dramatically from another; the difference from one worker to the next may be incredible; and one agency location to another may be a huge factor in the "how satisfied is the 'customer' survey"... My advice on picking an agency, if you're going to go with one: check around LOCALLY to see who has used that agency, how long ago, and what their experience was like. Quite frankly, if our first match (6 days after we went in "the book" had miraculously worked out), my views of the agency we ultimately chose on round 1 would probably be very different. Probably, but not necessarily. Likewise, if we had chosen not to start self-networking, and we'd just decided to wait for them to successfully place with us, and we'd waited 3, 4, or 5 years like some of the other couples were doing, my views might be even more jaded then they are now. My point? It's that our experiences and our opinions of agencies vary for a lot of reasons. Ask around. Don't just ask one person who had a bad or a good experience. Ask a lot. Become active on local adoption boards and see if anyone else there will have the "guts" to tell you the truth (sometimes "telling" on your agency is scary - they are NOT above threatening placements and finalizations when you do that - we learned that... and pushed back!)

So, back to the point: we chose our first agency. We'll just call it A1 for simplicity's sake. We paid a flat fee based on our income (unfortunately, it didn't take a whole lot of income to get to the top of that scale.. nonetheless, the top of the scale, I've learned is still a WHOLE lot lower than most agencies are charging their families). The deal was this: if we matched and it didn't work out, our money just kept rolling over until we had a successful placement and adoption. They would handle everything but the legal part of it (finalization). What a deal! We could just sit back and wait..... But if you're reading this, and you're a hopeful adoptive parent, you know that that wait is gruesome. You can't just "sit back and wait" - you drive yourself crazy wondering every moment when "the call" is gonna come. Every time your phone rings, you quickly check the number to see if it's your social worker... or you change your ring tone to a special one just for them! And then when it does ring one day, and they're just calling to check to see when you're making your next payment (or something equally unexciting), your heart instantly plummets from your chest and into your gut, nearly making you throw up last night's overindulged meal... Yep, trust me: if you haven't been there yet, it'll happen. No one goes into the adoption journey without having spent a LOT OF TIME hoping to be a parent and carefully constructing a plan to get there. By the time the mounds (and I mean MOUNDS) of paperwork is completed, the interviews passed, and the water temperature a perfect 101.2 in your home by way of a mercury thermometer sitting like a gun that could take you out at any moment in your social worker's briefcase... you're READY to be a parent! You're ready for "the call."

If you're reading this and you're considering placing your baby, trust me on this: anyone you ultimately choose, if they're "licensed" to adopt has gone through hell and back to become parents. They've had every single personal fact about every moment in their lives explored by strangers; they've had background checks and child abuse checks; they've put their stories out there for the world to see. And, trust me on that one... that's NOT the easiest thing in the world to do. Their wait for "the call" is perhaps as stressful and scary as your scanning through potentially hundreds of websites and profiles looking the "the one" that stands out to you. The "one" who you can see raising your child as their own. It's scary, stressful, exciting, and foreign to all of us on this journey, no matter what side you're on. But know, you're not alone, no matter what your goal in the adoption arena is.

So, if you've read my prior posts, you know that 6 days into being put "in the book" with A1, we were matched through them. Without going into a ton of details or rehashing my earlier telling, that match didn't work out. I was pretty devastated. I had dreams of the perfect adoption story, with zero hiccups. It's probably good it didn't work out just simply based on THAT. Adoption isn't perfect, so it was good to find that out. Hopefully, what I've learned is helping SOMEONE. And there's the obvious part too... that if that failed match, or the failed placement that came through the agency just 2 1/2 months later had worked out, our son's birthmom might still have contacted us on June 22, 2011, but we would have said "no." And, that thought brings tears to my eyes. I'm sure I COULD have loved either of those little girls just as much... but I don't want to. I want to love my little boy, because he is truly the one we were always meant to know. And his birth family is our family, too. I can't imagine my life without any of them. At ALL! So, while the pain of those two hiccups was real, and raw, and I wasn't sure how to get over it.... it was all worth it in the end when our self-networking brought us to OUR child. I'll say the same thing for the second time around. Although the path was pretty different, and our second son's birthmom came to us as the result of word-of-mouth after we fell "victim" to an emotional scammer for a few days following Chance's first birthday.... had that horrible piece of garbage (more on her later) NOT contacted us and got our hopes up for a baby that didn't exist, well, then, we wouldn't have met Rhys' birthmom, and we wouldn't have him as our son, and he was MEANT to be our son, and we were meant to have a journey to him. My point is two-fold: if you're on this journey to adopt, and you have a "hiccup" (a failed match, placement, a revocation, or even just what feels like a never-ending wait with no prospects in line).... you have to hold onto whatever brought you here in the first place; if you have faith, believe in it; if you believe in karma, rely upon it; just know that when the child MEANT to be yours comes along, it will all make sense. I know if you're waiting, those words are not the ones you want to hear (I thought the same thing). But, I PROMISE you I'm right. Just wait... Secondarily, you have the power to accelerate your journey and to make it YOURS. You have the ability with a little research, a lot of work, and a little hope, to make a match on your own. Agencies or attorneys are nice in that they help "vet" potential matches to make sure you're matching with someone who meets your "criteria" (drugs/alcohol, race, medical issues being the big 3 that come up).

When you self-network, YOU have to be the one to tackle those subjects, and it can be tough. It's emotional, and you don't want to upset or offend a potential birthmom. At the same time, you HAVE to broach those subjects if they matter to you. You shouldn't compromise and take just "any" match because you're "desperate" to become a parent. Stick to your agreement when you first started the journey: If you want to adopt ONLY specific races, don't change that just to be matched (unless you truly decide during your journey that your heart is REALLY open to more for the RIGHT reasons - that being - not trying to be matched faster). These are sensitive topics, but if you want to try to self-network, you can't be afraid to tackle them. Likewise, if you're pregnant and considering placing your child, YOU need to be comfortable enough to discuss these things too. Let's say you're Caucasian and the birth father is African American. Let's also say that you have a history of Bipolar and birthdad has a history of Substance Abuse Addiction(s). Do you keep that a secret? NO! Because you want to find the absolute BEST family for your child. If you keep those things a secret, you may not be truly finding a family who is completely open to those issues (and there are families out there - I PROMISE - who are open to all types of situations!!!) So, it's hard, but make it a 2-way street of communication. Be open. Ask questions of both sides. Be honest.

When I say "self-network" what do I mean? Well, the internet has created the most amazing abilities in the world of adoption that weren't previously available to waiting couples and/or potential birth parents seeking matches. But, the internet is also a very scary place. There are scammers out there (I'll do a blog or two on them, too... just be aware for now, they're out there. Not all are seeking money; some do it purely for the sick emotional satisfaction of hurting you inside.) You HAVE to learn how to spot the scammers and avoid them. That's going to take some research, joining scam boards, and just getting a feel for it. Some are pretty bad at it, so they'll give you the practice you need. There are others, unfortunately, who thrive on it and they can make your world turn upside down in a matter of hours if you let your heart lead the way. It sounds harsh, but you've got to treat self-networking like a business venture. Your HEAD must always lead the way using logic. Your heart will hurt you because it doesn't know any better and it longs to believe everything and everyone and, most of all, it longs for that baby you've long since wanted to parent...

I decided after failed match #1 with A1 to start self-networking; to take our journey and make it our own. To not wait until A1 found us a match. After the failed placement with them a few months later, I stepped it up even more. We were successfully matched 3 weeks later with our oldest son's birthmom. Below is a snippet of what we found worked, both that time and with journey #2, which we matched successfully with our second son's birthmom after roughly 2 1/2 months of self-networking (that time we didn't engage the services of an agency until we were matched & ready to go!) I was VERY happy with A2 (our second agency). If you're local, ask me about them, because I would suggest them to anyone considering adoption (the caveat being that you've got to do some sort of self-networking with them because they don't do a lot of "in house" matches). They're great though. The agency we used in Ohio for our son's birthmom & surrenders, etc? TERRIBLE!!! They ripped us off and treated her like garbage. I have zero good to say about them. If you're in the Columbus, OH area & want to know who to avoid, let me know...

Back to what we did. Here goes: I made a website (www.YourAdoptionOption.com) using weebly.com to create it - it costs less than $100 per year to have "weebly pro" (which allows more options in terms of formatting, adding videos, sound, pictures, etc.), to "buy" the domain name (so it didn't have /weebly.com at the end), and to have our names & personal info (attached to any website by federal law) non-searcheable (so someone can’t go to a reverse domain lookup site & get our name & address, which they could do if you don’t block this). Seriously - there are nutty people out there. Pay the money to block your name and address from being found! Also, don't use your names or, especially your last names, in your website name. Again, there are nutty people out there! You don't want be able to be tracked down by the information you give. You want to be honest, and give a lot about yourselves, but use non-identifying info when possible!

Our website was the key to both of our adoptions. We used everything else to funnel visitors to that site. The website is full of photos and video, and narratives about us. (go to the top & click on profile to go see it yourself- it's not really updated now since we're not trying to adopt, but I keep it active to help others see what worked for us).

1st adoption: we networked through the internet. I googled school administrators, counselors, teachers, etc. - anyone I thought might have a tie to someone who might be pregnant & considering adoption.. in targeted areas (what I mean by that is areas that would demographically be more prone to having potential situations that were within what we were looking for). I put a blurb in the email about our desire to adopt, attached a copy of our "Dear Birthmom" letter (it's on our site too) & a simple pic of the two of us, and gave them the website address & asked them to consider sharing it if they ever encountered a situation.... In those, I did specify what we were looking for (race, newborn, preferably healthy, etc.) - I figured those were "professionals" who wouldn't hopefully be offended by seeing those things and might do a little of the "vetting" process for us that way (they weren't meant to be racial or picky... just what we were looking for and had decided upon early on; like I said earlier - stick with those choices!!!) We had to be much more careful when dealing directly with potential birthparents - obviously, like I said above, these are sensitive subjects. You don't want to offend, because that's not what your purpose is. But, you've got to know certain things if they're important to you. It's a fine line between being offensive and being open/protecting both sides. The last thing you want to do is offend someone in such a vulnerable position!!!).

We also had pass along cards printed & put them up on bulletin boards in grocery stores, gas stations by bathrooms, etc..... figured it couldn't hurt - they funneled to the website as well. I was traveling a lot for work at the time, so they went all over the country with that. Honestly, we never had any contacts from our pass along cards. I don't know anyone who has, but everyone seems to do them.

We also googled places (crisis pregnancy centers, unwed mother's homes, agencies, schools, etc.) and filled out several hundred envelopes to send a picture of ourselves and our letter and a few cards, but we never got around to sending them before our first successful match (I tell you this, though, because we had a friend locally who did it - about 1000 letters - and were matched within a couple of months this way with a baby in Chicago - about 5 hrs away and in the same state as her; about 2 months after her son was born, she matched AGAIN this way again in the same state, and she now has 2 babies born 9 1/2 months apart).

As far as online networking, we targeted our audience: on FB, pregnancy sites, teen pregnancy, adoption, pregnancy options, etc. Be careful this way: scammers are catching on on these sites, too, as are certain "anti adoption" folks. If you see such posts, you're best to just altogether ignore that site and move on. You don't want to engage the anti's. It's not worth it; you won't change their minds, and vice versa. I would post a blurb like "Hello, we are a happily married couple hoping to be blessed by adoption. If you or someone you know is considering this gift, please visit our website to learn about us..." with our website address. Usually they were well received. However, like I said above, you have to check the page before posting something to make sure it's not an "anti" adoption site and/or not filled with negative adoption stuff....

Ultimately, one of the admins of one of the sites (a "16 & Pregnant" fan page for one of the teens who placed her child for adoption) identified with our story (she had been adopted as a child and her adopted mom had had cancer, causing her inability to have children – basically my situation. Her mom had recently passed away, and she felt connected with us - I'll add that we're still very close with her, and she is the sweetest young girl ever!). She reposted our link under the page's name. We got 1000's of hits immediately. A few weeks later, she did it again and that is when Chance's birthmom saw it. So, connecting with admins is helpful when it can be done! Our connection was by happenstance, but it was critical in the end.

Back on track: we learned the first time around that using Craigslist is NOT helpful! There are a LOT of anti-adoption folks on there, and just as many scammers. (note: the Adoption Forum on Craigslist is NOT PRO adoption - steer clear - it's VERY anti-adoption and you will NOT find a match there!) We did have several scammers contact us via our FaceBook networking (note: we did NOT keep an "active" FB account... instead, we created a FB page that was entirely public, but had ONLY one small photo album of us & a link to our actual website. We did NOT post on the FB page, we disallowed comments on it, etc. We wanted it to be ONE PAGE without the need to scroll... the point was to use it only to get people to the REAL webpage. I stand by that philosophy today.

Once we were matched, and sure of our match, we opened up our FB page based on our birthmom asking us to. It's now just a page where everyone basically follows our journey. (I created a new one for adoption #2).

We learned how to "vet" potential birthmoms on journey #1. What to ask, what to look for, etc. I learned EVERYTHING I could about scamming, emotional scamming, anti-adoption movements, etc. I took a "business" approach to it & while my heart wanted it more than anything, I let my head lead with everything I did. NEVER give anything to them when they contact you (especially money). Learn to spot scammers early on so you don't waste time, energy, or your heart on them. Join private adoption fraud/scam pages (on FaceBook and Yahoo). If a bunch of people are asking about a similar situation, fair to say it's likely a scam.

Adoption #2 - we were trying to do it even cheaper, and hoped to find someone in state (to avoid ICPC expenses and forced time out of state). Also, with a baby at home, I had far less time to be on the internet networking (I spent HOURS every other day doing this on the first time). So, this time around, I had bracelets made (the promotion type rubber bracelets - that said "Adoption is a loving option" and had our website on them. I also had shirts made that said something about adoption & had our website on them. We would all wear the shirts & go to 5k races (at first - targeted ones, like "Birth Right" or other things that were baby or pro-life centered). We would put stacks of the bracelets and our pass along cards on the give-away tables. There were always people who would come up & ask us about adoption or our journey. We would then go to lunch or dinner in the shirts & same thing. I did the same type of internet posting as the first time around, but to a lesser extent.

Ultimately, we were contacted through FB by a scammer right after Thanksgiving (she was GOOD at it - VERY good - it took me 4 days of intense investigation to reveal that she had been doing this for 10+ years, had been on Dateline for it, etc. I provided all the info I had on her to her parole officer & police & she was tracked down a couple days later (and it was confirmed she was who I had identified her to be – see www.ToCatchAnAdoptionScammer.com for the story - I don't have the page active right now, but will reinstate it soon). Long & short of it: she is in prison now.... in the meantime, though, when I found out she was arrested, I called the shelter where she had been staying under false pretenses & talked to the worker who answered about what had happened there and here. That was that. About 3 weeks later, I got another call that would change our lives forever: the worker's daughter's lifelong best friend was pregnant & had been shown our website and she wanted to talk to us about placing with us (that is our second son's birthmom).

There was another confirmed (but bad) scammer in between those 2, and a couple others who tried, but I blew them off quickly because they were pretty bad at it, and obvious from the get-go. I used the same approach as the first time (it’s business; protect the heart!!!)

           *I will say, though about the "business" approach: when you do finally match with a legit birthmom, you're heart WILL lead the way, because there's no other option. If you're like me, you will fall in love, not only with that baby, but with the mother carrying it, and perhaps her friends and family, too... We've been really blessed in that regard. We've got two amazing kids, and two equally amazing birth families (with extended friends from that too, including the worker & her daughter!)

Also, before the Thanksgiving scammer came along... I was contacted by a high school friend of mine whose niece was 9 weeks pregnant and wanting to place. I talked to her later that day, and she wanted us to match with her. However, after seriously considering it and talking it over for nearly a week, for some personal reasons, we decided not to match with her, but offered to help her find a match who would be perfect for her. She ultimately decided she wanted a family who had one black parent, and one white one, and I knew no one who fit that bill, so I asked in a small group I'm a part of if anyone knew someone who fit it, and I was given one couple's info. I talked to that adoptive mom a bit, and then I presented their info to this birthmom, and she fell in love with them and asked them to adopt her daughter. They ended up being there for their daughter's birth just 9 days before our second son was born. So, that one was a "word of mouth" type match...and also one that goes to show how you, as an adoptive parent, can potentially help another adoptive parent (and vice versa), and how being part of adoption groups is helpful for many, many reasons. Ultimately, our second adoption was a "word of mouth" that came about via internet networking & a scam. BUT, our website was KEY to all 3 of these successes.

ALSO...this may seem apparent, but I've seen it A LOT, especially recently. You HAVE to separate yourself from the other adoptive parents who are looking. There are a lot of listservs & FaceBook pages with adoption attorneys and facilitators who post about and disseminate information on the same situations regularly, and many people follow those same listservs/etc., and apply for them. The more independent you make your journey, the more likely you are to be successful. If you travel “in the pack,” you are just part of a pack, and you most likely won’t stand out and have tons of people vying for the same baby. It’s best to get your information out there and have birthmoms contact YOU, rather than vice versa (first, because it’s less “coercive,” and second, because if they’re contacting you, they are already interested in YOU, and MOST birthmoms (at least the “real” ones) don’t contact multiple families.) Obviously, if you find one that you're not comfortable proceeding with for whatever reason, you might be able to help match her with someone else you know "in the adoption circuit."

Again! I'll repeat myself over and over on this one: make sure you’re comfortable tackling the uncomfortable subjects if you’re going to self-network: race, disabilities, medical history (of birth parents – i.e. schizophrenia, bipolar, etc.), drug/alcohol/tobacco use, openness. These are all areas that HAVE to be addressed if you are networking on your own, and sometimes it can be uncomfortable, particularly if there are areas you are not open to (certain races, drug use, etc.). Like I've said twice over above, do NOT compromise what you have agreed to in terms of an “ideal” situation. You will find the “right” one for you. As I said above, we had one that was an almost certain placement, very similar to our first, in our state, etc., but we passed for certain personal reasons. We ended up matching a month later and our children were born 9 days apart. ☺ And, our child is the perfect one for our family and that child was the perfect child for the family that birthmom ultimately chose.

If you’re not willing to talk about these things, you should hire an agency or attorney to help “vet” birthmoms. Also, if you are “blind” to the scammers, you’ll get taken. You HAVE to educate yourself & move forward with caution, even on situations that seem legitimate.

 Never send money or gifts (even in “real” situations –check your state & their state’s laws on this). If they are too “clingy” too fast, beware.. If they ask you to match immediately, beware. Learn the red flags (not all red flags mean it’s a scam – example: our first son’s birthmom said her speaker was broken on her phone, so she didn’t want to talk on the phone & only wanted to text and communicate via FB. This might in some circumstances be a red flag… BUT, in OUR situation, it was legit: her son had slobbered on the speaker, making it unusable (and his brother, MY son, did the same dang thing to MY phone about 8 months ago!!! It must be in the genes! haha).

My point is that just because there are one or two red flags, it doesn’t mean it’s BS. Just use caution and don't throw common sense to the wind. Require proof of pregnancy (NOT an ultrasound – those can be altered). Get a release and get it from the doctor. Try to meet in person. Go to a doctor's appointment with her (not only for proof of pregnancy but because this is an EXCELLENT opportunity to bond with her and get to see or hear your potential little person, and also one of the things within your control to offer to her as a support!) Get her into an agency/worker/counselor if she wants or needs someone neutral to talk to.

Those are the basics, for now. More to come later, of course :)